Category: sketch comedy

BOB and LESTER enter. Bob is carrying an urn, the kind you would put a dead person’s ashes in.

LESTER
What’s in that there urn, Bob?

BOB
This? Well, it’s the same thing
that’s in most urns- a combination
of the most delicious hamburger
condiments ever combined.

LESTER
So if someone were to accidentally
pour that on their burger…

BOB
That’s right, Lester- they would
have an extra layer of enjoyment
added to their already tasty
hamburger! But we all know
something silly like that would
never happen! I’ll just leave this
here while we go deal with the
paperwork from the funerals of
Anthony’s grandmother, father,
wife, sister, and beloved pet
hamster Mr. Nibbles.

LESTER
Yeah. I’m glad they got to be
cremated and placed in an urn
together- that was what they always
wanted.

Bob sets the urn down and they exit.

ANTHONY and ELIZA enter.

ANTHONY
Man, I’m so bummed out about the
funerals of my grandmother, father,
wife, sister, and beloved pet
hamster Mr. Nibbles. But at least
they got to be cremated and placed
in an urn together like they always
wanted.
(beat)
Hey, I know what’ll cheer me up- a
nice tasty burger.

He takes a bite of his burger.

ANTHONY
Hmmm, a little dry- needs something
to spice it up.

He grabs the urn.

ELIZA
Anthony, I don’t think that’s-

ANTHONY
I know what it is!

He pours the contents of the urn on the burger. Bob and
Lester re-enter and see what’s happening.

BOB
Anthony, wait don’t!

Anthony takes a big bite and everyone groans.

LESTER
Anthony, don’t you know what you’re
eating!?

ANTHONY
Of course I do- it’s the commingled
ashes of my grandmother, father,
wife, sister, and beloved pet
hamster Mr. Nibbles. All they ever
wanted was to be commingled so I
could ingest them on a hamburger
after their collective deaths.

BOB
No, it’s, it’s– it’s an assortment
of exceedingly delicious hamburger
condiments!

Anthony spits it out, horrified.

ANTHONY
Then where are my grandmother,
father, wife, sister, and beloved
pet hamster Mr. Nibbles?

BOB
Safely stored In the ketchup bottle
in the fridge.

ANTHONY
NOOOOOOO!

OK, even I think this is weird. I don’t think this was ever performed. I could ramble a bit about the Monty Python influence and the absurdist technique I was trying to develop, but I think I’ll just let it stand on its own.

– – – – – –

An outdoor BBQ- everyone is standing around, listlessly eating dry, tasteless burgers.

A SPOKESMAN appears.

SPOKESMAN
Is your BBQ a flop, because your
burger are dry and tasteless?

The HOST hangs his head guiltily.

SPOKESMAN
Then try some of this!

Hands him a bottle.

HOST
“Fragments from rush lyrics and
song titles” BBQ sauce?

He puts it on the burgers, all GUESTS try one and- it’s
delicious!

GUEST #1
All this machinery making modern
music can still be open hearted,
not so fully charted its really
just a question of your honesty!

GUEST #2
Yeah- your honesty!

GUEST #3
Part one: Bytor battles the snow
dog!

KID (#3’S SON)
Part three; At the Tobes of Hades!

Dad pats son on the head and rumples his hair.

GOOFY TYPICAL DRUNK FRIEND
La Villa Strangiato!

Everyone laughs at his silly antics, then he passes out.

HUSBAND
Philosophers and plowmen, each must
know his part!

WIFE
(sexily)
To sew a new mentality, closer to
the heart.

They put their arms around each other and snuggle. The drunk
picks his head up.

GOOFY TYPICAL DRUNK FRIEND
Six minute bass solo.

He passes out again and everyone laughs.

SPOKESMAN
“Fragments from rush lyrics and
song titles” BBQ sauce: “if you
choose not to decide, you still
have made a choice!”

If you have been in a comedy writing class in the last ten years or so, you will probably appreciate this one.

– – – – – –

CLASSROOM

A WRITING TEACHER enters.

TEACHER
Good morning, class, and welcome to
sketch writing, level one. Let’s
get to know each other.

STUDENT #1
My name’s Travis, and I’m a
screenwriter, I just moved here
from Iowa.

STUDENT #2
I’m Jonathan, I’m an actor.

The third student is the HULK.

TEACHER
And how about you, the giant green
man with the ripped pants?

HULK
Me Hulk! Hulk write good sketch!
Audience laugh!

TEACHER
OK, Hulk, what’s your idea?

HULK
Hulk write sketch about
Superfriends! Always get big
laughs! Hulk sketch kill!

STUDENT #1
A Justice League sketch? Jesus,
that’s been done to death by every
sketch show in town!

STUDENT #2
Yeah, I’m sorry Hulk, but it is a
bit cliched.

Hulk is furious.

HULK
What?! You no call Hulk’s idea
cliched! HULK SMASH!

He stands up and knocks over some chairs.

TEACHER
Now now, Hulk, just settle down.
Maybe you need to work with a
writing partner to help refine your
ideas.

AQUAMAN enters and shakes Hulk’s hand.

AQUAMAN
Hey, I’ve got some great ideas.
What if I, Aquaman, got involved in
some kind of humorous situation
based on the idea that my
superpower, summoning and
controlling aquatic lifeforms, is
rather insignificant and silly
compared to the powers of, say,
Superman?

HULK
Hulk love! Hulk smell staff job on
“According to Jim!”

STUDENT #1
But that’s even more cliched than
your first idea!

STUDENT #2
As a true artist, I find this
degrading and a waste of my t-

Hulk smashes both students knocking them off the stage.

The teacher shakes his head.

TEACHER
I’m sorry, Hulk, Aquaman. I just
can’t have you smashing students in
my class. I’m going to have to fail
you bo-

A giant Squid tentacle reaches on stage and drags the teacher to his doom.

TEACHER
AGGHH! A GIANT SQUID!

Hulk and Aquaman shake hands at center stage.

BLACKOUT

This was a class assignment to write a commerical parody. I was trying to move it beyond the standard  “making fun of something I saw on tv” into something a little more abstract.  There is footage of this being performed somewhere on a miniDV tape buried in my closet.

—————————————-

INT. BAR

Attractive young people are enjoying a night out.

RYAN and FRANK are gazing longingly at some hot girls (KIP and ELIZABETH) across the room. Everyone is holding boring, generic-looking beers.

RYAN
Man, they’re so hot! I wish we had
something to talk to them about!

Suddenly, everyone freezes and an announcer in a tux or similar (Robert) enters, perhaps accompanied by music.

ROBERT
Hey guys! Nothing to talk to the
ladies about? Then try one of
these!

He passes them bottles of exciting looking beer.

RYAN
“Quentin Tarantino Has No talent
Beer?”

ROBERT
That’s right! It’s the beer that
finally says what right-thinking
people everywhere have suspected
for years, but didn’t have the guts
to say!

The guys excitedly drink.

FRANK
I never got what people saw in that
crap!

RYAN
Hey you know what they call a Big
Mac in France? They call it,
“you’re a talentless, pompous
hack!”

They laugh hilariously and high-five.

ROBERT
And for the lady, there’s “Quentin
Tarantino Has No Talent Lite!”

The ladies (KIP and ELIZABETH) suddenly get QTHNT Lites in their hands and are now magically sexier, unbuttoning their shirts or something.

KIP
All the violence and racial slurs-
it always felt so forced to me
somehow!

ELIZABETH
Yeah, like a kid showing off for
his friends in the schoolyard- kind
of sad really.

The guys and the girls are partying together. The room is abuzz with chatter about how much Quentin sucks.

They all laugh hilariously and slap each on the back.

ROBERT
When you’re looking for a good
time, remember-

They all raise their beers and toast.

EVERYBODY
Quentin Tarantino has no talent!

TOMMY standing alone.

ANTON and BEN, guys from the future enter.

TOMMY
Whoa, who are you guys?

ANTON
We come to you from the future- all
the way from the year 2937!

BEN
What wonders of Earth in the year
2005 can you show us?

TOMMY
Well, I can’t really take you to
see the president or anything, I’m
just a guy from a small town.
(beat, thinks)
Hey, we’ve got a Waffle House. You
guys like Waffles?

Anton and Ben snicker each time he says “waffles.”

TOMMY
You guys keep laughing every time I
say “waffles!” What’s so funny
about some nice fluffy waffles and
some warm, hearty syrup?

They laugh even harder on “syrup.”

TOMMY
What!?!

ANTON
Nothing. So you really like
waffles, do you?

TOMMY
Yes.

BEN
And you like them with lots of
syrup?

TOMMY
Yeah, so what?

They finally stop laughing.

BEN
(to Anton)
OK, I guess we should tell him.
(to Tommy)
You know words change meaning over
time? Like in the 1950s the word
“gay” just meant “lighthearted,”
but in your time it means
“homosexual?”

TOMMY
Yeah?

ANTON
Well, in our time, “waffles” has
come to mean “anal sex,” and
“syrup” means “seeing your grandma
naked.”

TOMMY
Wow. The future sounds really
different. Can you take me there?

ANTON
Sure, let’s go!

They transport him to the future.

BEN
Now here we have a future
restaurant, equivalent to one of
your 21st century waffle houses. We
better brief you before you go in,
so you don’t make a fool of
yourself.

They both whisper in Tommy’s ear.

They enter and a WAITRESS approaches.

WAITRESS
Greetings gentlemen, may I take
your order?

Tommy beams, he’s ready for his big moment: he thinks about it and speaks carefully, trying to remember the right words:

TOMMY
I’ll start out with “anal sex” with
plenty of “seeing my grandma naked”
… a side of “Twatty twat twat
cunty cunt cunt cunt twat”,
(beat)
oh yeah and for a drink I’ll have a
“people should be allowed to keep
the Chinese as housepets.”

He grins at the dumbfounded waitress and the staring
customers.

TOMMY
What? I Bet you thought I was of
those dumb 21st century guys who
comes in and orders “waffles” and
everyone laughs at him.

Something to dawn on him.

TOMMY
Wait a minute… This isn’t the
year 2937, is it?

WAITRESS
No.

TOMMY
And you guys aren’t really named
Ben and Anton, are you?

They take off their “future man costumes.”

BEN AND ANTON
Nah dude, it’s us. Good one, huh?

TOMMY
But the sign outside, it said
“future house?”

“BEN”
Yeah, we just kinda covered up
‘waffle” with a big sheet with
“future” written on it.

WAITRESS
(impatient)
So what do you really want, future
boy?

TOMMY
Waffles.

Ben and Anton laugh at him.

BLACKOUT

LIGHTS BACK UP

On two FUTURE ROBOTS.

FUTURE ROBOT #1
Greetings, 21st century humans.

FUTURE ROBOT #2
The sketch you have just scene
paints a highly unrealistic picture
of life in the year 2937.

FUTURE ROBOT #1
As future robots, we have been
programmed to find this highly
offensive. We wish to inform you
that life in the year 2937 is far
more than a flimsy basis for
puerile human humor. We have
achieved amazing advances in
science, art and medicine that have
made the world a more wonderful
place than you can possibly
imagine.

FUTURE ROBOT #2
Message completed. What activity
should we now engage in?

FUTURE ROBOT #1
I desire… Waffles.

They start to have gay robot sex as “Let’s get It on” plays.

BLACKOUT

TED and LINDA are having a candlelit dinner at a romantic Italian restaurant.

LINDA
Oh Ted, I love Italian restaurants,
they’re so romantic. Ooh, look,
here comes the waiter- those
Italian waiters are so cute, always
talking about love.

The WAITER approaches.

WAITER
Good evening, how you folks doing
tonight? You two make-a a very nice
couple.
(winking at Ted)
I think maybe you going to marry
this girl, yes?

TED
Well, I don’t know, we just started-

Linda is eating up the Italian waiter schtick, she loves it.

WAITER
I am Italian, I know these things.
I think you two make each other
very happy- for about 34 months.

LINDA
What??

WAITER
I think you two have a very
romantic wedding. It like a fairy
tale- for the first two years. Then
she a-sleep with your
dermatologist.

TED
Excuse me??

WAITER
Love fades- it just-a a fact of the
life. But who knows, maybe you two
have a beautiful little girl-
(to Linda)
You like little girls?

Linda is back to being happy and giggling.

LINDA
Oh I always wanted a daughter ever
since I was a little girl. I’ll
call her Ashley.

WAITER
Ashley, that’s-a a beautiful name.
I bet she’ll be a beautiful girl.
You both love her so much, I think
you get in a protracted custody
battle over her. Maybe you use her
as a bargaining chip in your own
bitter legal battle, no?

LINDA
What’s wrong with you? Get away
from us and send us another waiter!

The waiter retreats and WAITER #2 enters, even more stereotypically Italian.

WAITER #2
Good evening, folks. I’m so sorry
about that, signora. You a very
beautiful woman, I’m sure your
looks not-a fade for another five
years, maybe even ten!

LINDA
I DEMAND TO SEE YOUR MANAGER!

The even more stereotypical MANAGER approaches.

MANAGER
Good evening, folks. What-a seems
to be the problem?

LINDA
These two waiters have been
horrible to us!

TED
They told us we were going to get
divorced and have a custody battle
over our daughter Ashley!

MANAGER
I’m so a-sorry folks!
(to waiters)
Antonio, Francisco, come over here
right now? Did you tell these nice
people they was a-going to get a
divorce?

They nod meekly and hang their heads.

MANAGER
You know I didn’t raise you like
that! What you were telling them,
that’s a nothing but cheap
pessimism! What do I always tell
you?

WAITER
Nothing really matters, papa.

WAITER #2
Human free will, it’s just-a an
illusion!

MANAGER
That’s a-right? What’s the
difference if they get married or
not? In a hundred years, we all be
dead anyway. You get married or you
don’t get married, in a
meaningless, uncaring  universe,
how it can it possibly make-a a
difference?

Ted and Linda are shocked and speechless for a long beat.

MANAGER
So, maybe I can tell you the
specials?

LINDA
(through tears)
O…K.

MANAGER
We got a grilled Halibut. The
halibut, that’s very good, because
his parent’s never wanted him, so
his whole life he very eager to
please.

TED
(also in tears)
What else?

MANAGER
We got the duck. It’s an exquisite
dish. The duck, it’s cooked in a
white wine and butter sauce, and he
hates you, and he hopes you get-a
the AIDS.

Linda turns on Ted:

LINDA
Ted, he said the duck hopes we get
AIDS? All I wanted was a nice
Italian dinner- what is this some
kind of sick joke, bringing me to a
place like this?

TED
Nothing’s ever good enough for you
is it, Linda- I don’t know why I
even bother!

MANAGER
(to waiters)
Isn’t it beautiful- they hate each
other. This is why I get into the
restaurant business. Come here
boys.
(he hugs the waiters)
This is a very special moment, so I
just want to tell you, you not
really my sons. Your mother, she
have the sex with the mailman!

WAITER #1 AND #2
We hate you, papa!

LINDA
I hate you Ted!

TED
I hate you all!

MANAGER
I never been so happy- now who’s a
ready for some duck?

Two STONERS are planted in the front row of the audience.

Two ACTORS enter onstage and start a sketch about a character named “Flipperhands.”

ACTOR #1
(acting cheesily)
So here I am, at the hair salon. I Couldn’t get an appointment with my regular girl, so I guess they’ll give me the new guy. I sure hope there’s nothing odd about him.

Actor #2 enters, wearing swimming flippers on his hands and speaking with a silly Italian accent.

ACTOR #2/FLIPPERHANDS
Hey, you need-a the haircut? I cut-a the hair real nice!

ACTOR #1
But you’re hands, they’re-

ACTOR #2/FLIPPERHANDS
Whatsmatta, you think I can’t give-a the good haircut, just because I got-a the swimming flippers for the hands?

In the front row, two STONERS are watching.

STONER #1
Man, this sketch sucks, change it.

STONER #2
No way, dude. I heard something awesome- check this out.

He clicks a remote and “Dark Side of the Moon” starts to play- the song “Money.”

ACTOR #1
Well, how much is the haircut?

STONER #2
See dude, he’s like talking about how much it costs- money! And the song is called “Money” – isn’t that freaking awesome??

STONER #1
Aw come on man, it’s just a coincidence.

STONER #2
Coincidence, you say? Watch this dude!

The song “Time” starts.

ACTOR #1
Well, OK, but I need this haircut fast. I don’t have time.

STONER #2
(elbowing his friend)
DUDE!

STONER #1
Wow, that’s so fucking awesome! So awesome I want to get really like, you know, stoned and stuff!

They proceed to get really stoned and stuff; some stoner friends join them and make so much noise that the sketch actors can hardly be heard.

Suddenly ROGER WATERS, mastermind of Pink Floyd, rushes onto the stage, appearing as he did in the 1970s.

WATERS
(to stoners)
Stop it stop it you bloody idiots!

STONER #1
Who are you dude?

WATERS
I’m Roger Waters of Pink Floyd, and I wrote “Dark Side of the Moon!”

STONER #2
Awesome!

WATERS
Shut up you bloody twit! How did I ever get a bunch of idiots like you as fans? It may be rock and roll, but “The Dark Side of the Moon” is a serious work of art, about the pressures that push human beings to the brink of insanity.

STONER #2
Which pressures would those be, dude?

WATERS
You know, like the constant knowledge that every passing second is one step closer to the inevitable meeting with the grim angel of death.

STONER #2
So, essentially, “time?”

WATERS
Yes, OK, to grossly oversimplify my vision into a single word, time.

Just as he says the word “time” the song “Time” starts playing.

WATERS
Oh bloody fuck.

STONER #1
Hey man, are you really going to get back together with Pink Floyd?

WATERS
Never. Gilmour has no artistic integrity- all he cares about is money!

The song “Money” starts to play. Waters realizes what’s happening to him-

WATERS
NOOOOOO!!!

He flees the stage as Flipperhands watches, non-plussed.

MOVIE TRAILER GUY (V.O.)
They were the team everyone thought had a chance, but they were right- this Summer, get ready for the Amazing Goliaths!

INT. FOOTBALL LOCKER ROOM

A COACH is giving a pre-game pep talk to his football TEAM.

COACH
OK, men, listen up! Today is the most important game of your lives- the state championship!

PLAYER #1
But coach, this stadium is so different from our home field!

COACH
I know, Travis. But we’re still the same team. Sure, their field may have 3500 crappy bleacher seats- it’s nothing like our 60,000 seat NFL-quality stadium at home. And the team we’re facing tonight, they train on rusty weights in an old barn- not like our multimillion dollar state-of-the-art training facility. Now they may call me crazy, but I still think we have a chance to win this game. Because at the end of the day, they may have more hustle, and heart, and good old fashioned gumption than us, but we’ve got something you can’t measure- superior athletic ability! Goliaths on three!

The team all put their hands in:

TEAM
ONE TWO THREE GOLIATHS!!

Team exits, pumped up, then re-enters.

COACH
Alright, men, it’s halftime! Now I know things look bad- we’ve only got a 41 point lead. Now I want to tell you men a little story. It’s about a kid named Randy. They told Randy he was too small to play football. And he was born with Mulitple Scelorsis, and only one limb. Randy doesn’t have long to live, in fact he’s probably going to die right after the game tonight. All Randy ever wanted was to just carry the ball in a real football game. His story is an inspiration to us all. Randy plays for the other team, so Brent-

He points to BRENT, the biggest, meanest player on the team.

COACH
-when Randy gets the ball, I want you to knock the living crap out of him. It’s not going to be easy, but I think you can do it!

BRENT
OK, coach!

The team all put their hands in:

TEAM
ONE TWO THREE GOLIATHS!!

They exit for the second half, then return, having won the game.

COACH
OK, team, huddle up! Now we were facing some real challenges tonight, but we stuck together, and we won the game by 120 points!

The team cheer and high-five each other.

COACH
(getting serious)
Men, I want to tell you something- this is a great victory, but I could have done it without each of you- football is an individual game, and together as a team, we’re much weaker than we are as individuals! One day, men, when you’re old and about to die, you’ll look back and realize how pointless this experience really was- but know this- however pointless it was to you men, it was more pointless to me. We may have started out as a family, but you’ve all become like a football team to me.

The team all put their hands in:

TEAM
ONE TWO THREE GOLIATHS!!

They start to carry the coach off on their shoulders, then think “ah, the hell with it” and walk off in opposite directions.