“Dark Side of the Sketch”, 2004

Two STONERS are planted in the front row of the audience.

Two ACTORS enter onstage and start a sketch about a character named “Flipperhands.”

ACTOR #1
(acting cheesily)
So here I am, at the hair salon. I Couldn’t get an appointment with my regular girl, so I guess they’ll give me the new guy. I sure hope there’s nothing odd about him.

Actor #2 enters, wearing swimming flippers on his hands and speaking with a silly Italian accent.

ACTOR #2/FLIPPERHANDS
Hey, you need-a the haircut? I cut-a the hair real nice!

ACTOR #1
But you’re hands, they’re-

ACTOR #2/FLIPPERHANDS
Whatsmatta, you think I can’t give-a the good haircut, just because I got-a the swimming flippers for the hands?

In the front row, two STONERS are watching.

STONER #1
Man, this sketch sucks, change it.

STONER #2
No way, dude. I heard something awesome- check this out.

He clicks a remote and “Dark Side of the Moon” starts to play- the song “Money.”

ACTOR #1
Well, how much is the haircut?

STONER #2
See dude, he’s like talking about how much it costs- money! And the song is called “Money” – isn’t that freaking awesome??

STONER #1
Aw come on man, it’s just a coincidence.

STONER #2
Coincidence, you say? Watch this dude!

The song “Time” starts.

ACTOR #1
Well, OK, but I need this haircut fast. I don’t have time.

STONER #2
(elbowing his friend)
DUDE!

STONER #1
Wow, that’s so fucking awesome! So awesome I want to get really like, you know, stoned and stuff!

They proceed to get really stoned and stuff; some stoner friends join them and make so much noise that the sketch actors can hardly be heard.

Suddenly ROGER WATERS, mastermind of Pink Floyd, rushes onto the stage, appearing as he did in the 1970s.

WATERS
(to stoners)
Stop it stop it you bloody idiots!

STONER #1
Who are you dude?

WATERS
I’m Roger Waters of Pink Floyd, and I wrote “Dark Side of the Moon!”

STONER #2
Awesome!

WATERS
Shut up you bloody twit! How did I ever get a bunch of idiots like you as fans? It may be rock and roll, but “The Dark Side of the Moon” is a serious work of art, about the pressures that push human beings to the brink of insanity.

STONER #2
Which pressures would those be, dude?

WATERS
You know, like the constant knowledge that every passing second is one step closer to the inevitable meeting with the grim angel of death.

STONER #2
So, essentially, “time?”

WATERS
Yes, OK, to grossly oversimplify my vision into a single word, time.

Just as he says the word “time” the song “Time” starts playing.

WATERS
Oh bloody fuck.

STONER #1
Hey man, are you really going to get back together with Pink Floyd?

WATERS
Never. Gilmour has no artistic integrity- all he cares about is money!

The song “Money” starts to play. Waters realizes what’s happening to him-

WATERS
NOOOOOO!!!

He flees the stage as Flipperhands watches, non-plussed.