“The Bag Show”

INT. TALK SHOW STUDIO

Greg is a talk-show announcer. The cast who are not in the scene should be planted in the first row, to play the talk show audience.

GREG (V.O.)
And now ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for your favorite afternoon talk show, “Look Closer!”
(applause)
Your host was discovered in 1999 by producers Dan Jinks and Bruce Cohen in the checkout line at a West Hollywood Albertson’s. They cast him in “American Beauty” and the rest is Hollywood history! And now, here he is, the inanimate object who symbolizes the presence of beauty in even the most mundane everyday objects, The Plastic Bag!

The Bag floats onto his podium at center stage (Ryan is controlling the bag). The AUDIENCE claps and chants.

AUDIENCE
BAG! BAG! BAG! BAG!

The bag floats a little up and to the right and the audience quiets down and sits.

GREG (V.O.)
Today’s topic is Daughters who just ain’t no good, and the mothers who can’t control them! Now let’s meet our mother, Jolene.

JOLENE (Melissa), white trash mom, enters.

MELISSA
Thanks for having me, Bag. I’m here because my daughter Tami ain’t no good- her and her boyfriend Craig are always having the intercourse instead of helping out around the trailer- I don’t know where I done up and gone wrong with that girl!
The Bag bobs around in the air sympathetically.

GREG (V.O.)
And now here she is, Jolene’s no-good daughter, Tami!

TAMI (Kip) comes out to a chorus of boos.

KIP
(flipping off audience)
You don’t know me- you don’t know me!

She sits down next to her mom.

MELISSA
You ain’t no good, girl!

KIP
So what, you think you gonna bring me hear and this piece of plastic is gonna tell me what to do? He ain’t beautiful- he ain’t nothing but a bag! Why don’t you go carry some kumquats, you bag!
The audience boos loudly. The Bag wafts angrily towards Kip.

MELISSA
Now you gone and done it, Tami! That Bag is only trying to help you- I’m ashamed to call you my sassy white trash daughter!
Kip hesitates then breaks down and cries.

KIP
I’m sorry, mama! I’m sorry I done went and had intercourse with Craig- and I’m sorry Craig done knocked me up!

MELISSA
Why you no good-

Melissa grabs Kip, looks like she’s going to slap her, but the Bag wafts meaningfully.
Melissa stares at the Bag for a few meaningful seconds, then breaks down in tears.

MELISSA
Oh girl, I’m sorry! You’re right, Bag- she’s my beautiful baby girl- and I’m gonna have a beautiful baby granddaughter!

KIP
I love you, momma! Thank you, Mr. Bag, you done shown me the error of my ways!

The Bag wafts approvingly.

MELISSA
(to audience)
I knew I needed help raising my girl right, so I took her on Oprah, Rikki, Jerry, and Dr. Phil, but it took a plastic Bag to help us patch things up and show us the way- all them folks is smart, but when it comes to tellin’ simple folks like us how to live, I guess they just ain’t as useful as a good ol’ plastic bag!

Kip and Melissa hug.

GREG (V.O.)
And now it’s time for the bag’s final thought.

The Bag wafts around a little bit- the audience gives him a standing O.

GREG (V.O.)
Tune in tomorrow, when The Bag talks to men who have a gay crush on their neighbor, but are afraid to admit it! Until then, remember: beauty is everywhere!
(in quiet disclaimer voice)
The Bag is not a licensed therapist, or alive, or capable of safely transporting a gallon of milk home from the market without help. The Bag Show makes no guarantee that you will appreciate the symbolism behind The Bag. The Bag Show recognizes that the whole bag thing may be just weird and confusing to you and, even though you pretended to get it when it won all those Oscars, “Titanic” is really more your speed as far as Best Picture Winners go. Tune in every day at this time for another episode of “The Bag Show.”

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