TED and LINDA are having a candlelit dinner at a romantic Italian restaurant.
Oh Ted, I love Italian restaurants,
they’re so romantic. Ooh, look,
here comes the waiter- those
Italian waiters are so cute, always
talking about love.
The WAITER approaches.
Good evening, how you folks doing
tonight? You two make-a a very nice
(winking at Ted)
I think maybe you going to marry
this girl, yes?
Well, I don’t know, we just started-
Linda is eating up the Italian waiter schtick, she loves it.
I am Italian, I know these things.
I think you two make each other
very happy- for about 34 months.
I think you two have a very
romantic wedding. It like a fairy
tale- for the first two years. Then
she a-sleep with your
Love fades- it just-a a fact of the
life. But who knows, maybe you two
have a beautiful little girl-
You like little girls?
Linda is back to being happy and giggling.
Oh I always wanted a daughter ever
since I was a little girl. I’ll
call her Ashley.
Ashley, that’s-a a beautiful name.
I bet she’ll be a beautiful girl.
You both love her so much, I think
you get in a protracted custody
battle over her. Maybe you use her
as a bargaining chip in your own
bitter legal battle, no?
What’s wrong with you? Get away
from us and send us another waiter!
The waiter retreats and WAITER #2 enters, even more stereotypically Italian.
Good evening, folks. I’m so sorry
about that, signora. You a very
beautiful woman, I’m sure your
looks not-a fade for another five
years, maybe even ten!
I DEMAND TO SEE YOUR MANAGER!
The even more stereotypical MANAGER approaches.
Good evening, folks. What-a seems
to be the problem?
These two waiters have been
horrible to us!
They told us we were going to get
divorced and have a custody battle
over our daughter Ashley!
I’m so a-sorry folks!
Antonio, Francisco, come over here
right now? Did you tell these nice
people they was a-going to get a
They nod meekly and hang their heads.
You know I didn’t raise you like
that! What you were telling them,
that’s a nothing but cheap
pessimism! What do I always tell
Nothing really matters, papa.
Human free will, it’s just-a an
That’s a-right? What’s the
difference if they get married or
not? In a hundred years, we all be
dead anyway. You get married or you
don’t get married, in a
meaningless, uncaring universe,
how it can it possibly make-a a
Ted and Linda are shocked and speechless for a long beat.
So, maybe I can tell you the
We got a grilled Halibut. The
halibut, that’s very good, because
his parent’s never wanted him, so
his whole life he very eager to
(also in tears)
We got the duck. It’s an exquisite
dish. The duck, it’s cooked in a
white wine and butter sauce, and he
hates you, and he hopes you get-a
Linda turns on Ted:
Ted, he said the duck hopes we get
AIDS? All I wanted was a nice
Italian dinner- what is this some
kind of sick joke, bringing me to a
place like this?
Nothing’s ever good enough for you
is it, Linda- I don’t know why I
Isn’t it beautiful- they hate each
other. This is why I get into the
restaurant business. Come here
(he hugs the waiters)
This is a very special moment, so I
just want to tell you, you not
really my sons. Your mother, she
have the sex with the mailman!
WAITER #1 AND #2
We hate you, papa!
I hate you Ted!
I hate you all!
I never been so happy- now who’s a
ready for some duck?