“The Ashes” (2005)

BOB and LESTER enter. Bob is carrying an urn, the kind you would put a dead person’s ashes in.

LESTER
What’s in that there urn, Bob?

BOB
This? Well, it’s the same thing
that’s in most urns- a combination
of the most delicious hamburger
condiments ever combined.

LESTER
So if someone were to accidentally
pour that on their burger…

BOB
That’s right, Lester- they would
have an extra layer of enjoyment
added to their already tasty
hamburger! But we all know
something silly like that would
never happen! I’ll just leave this
here while we go deal with the
paperwork from the funerals of
Anthony’s grandmother, father,
wife, sister, and beloved pet
hamster Mr. Nibbles.

LESTER
Yeah. I’m glad they got to be
cremated and placed in an urn
together- that was what they always
wanted.

Bob sets the urn down and they exit.

ANTHONY and ELIZA enter.

ANTHONY
Man, I’m so bummed out about the
funerals of my grandmother, father,
wife, sister, and beloved pet
hamster Mr. Nibbles. But at least
they got to be cremated and placed
in an urn together like they always
wanted.
(beat)
Hey, I know what’ll cheer me up- a
nice tasty burger.

He takes a bite of his burger.

ANTHONY
Hmmm, a little dry- needs something
to spice it up.

He grabs the urn.

ELIZA
Anthony, I don’t think that’s-

ANTHONY
I know what it is!

He pours the contents of the urn on the burger. Bob and
Lester re-enter and see what’s happening.

BOB
Anthony, wait don’t!

Anthony takes a big bite and everyone groans.

LESTER
Anthony, don’t you know what you’re
eating!?

ANTHONY
Of course I do- it’s the commingled
ashes of my grandmother, father,
wife, sister, and beloved pet
hamster Mr. Nibbles. All they ever
wanted was to be commingled so I
could ingest them on a hamburger
after their collective deaths.

BOB
No, it’s, it’s– it’s an assortment
of exceedingly delicious hamburger
condiments!

Anthony spits it out, horrified.

ANTHONY
Then where are my grandmother,
father, wife, sister, and beloved
pet hamster Mr. Nibbles?

BOB
Safely stored In the ketchup bottle
in the fridge.

ANTHONY
NOOOOOOO!