“Waffles” (slightly offensive perhaps)

TOMMY standing alone.

ANTON and BEN, guys from the future enter.

TOMMY
Whoa, who are you guys?

ANTON
We come to you from the future- all
the way from the year 2937!

BEN
What wonders of Earth in the year
2005 can you show us?

TOMMY
Well, I can’t really take you to
see the president or anything, I’m
just a guy from a small town.
(beat, thinks)
Hey, we’ve got a Waffle House. You
guys like Waffles?

Anton and Ben snicker each time he says “waffles.”

TOMMY
You guys keep laughing every time I
say “waffles!” What’s so funny
about some nice fluffy waffles and
some warm, hearty syrup?

They laugh even harder on “syrup.”

TOMMY
What!?!

ANTON
Nothing. So you really like
waffles, do you?

TOMMY
Yes.

BEN
And you like them with lots of
syrup?

TOMMY
Yeah, so what?

They finally stop laughing.

BEN
(to Anton)
OK, I guess we should tell him.
(to Tommy)
You know words change meaning over
time? Like in the 1950s the word
“gay” just meant “lighthearted,”
but in your time it means
“homosexual?”

TOMMY
Yeah?

ANTON
Well, in our time, “waffles” has
come to mean “anal sex,” and
“syrup” means “seeing your grandma
naked.”

TOMMY
Wow. The future sounds really
different. Can you take me there?

ANTON
Sure, let’s go!

They transport him to the future.

BEN
Now here we have a future
restaurant, equivalent to one of
your 21st century waffle houses. We
better brief you before you go in,
so you don’t make a fool of
yourself.

They both whisper in Tommy’s ear.

They enter and a WAITRESS approaches.

WAITRESS
Greetings gentlemen, may I take
your order?

Tommy beams, he’s ready for his big moment: he thinks about it and speaks carefully, trying to remember the right words:

TOMMY
I’ll start out with “anal sex” with
plenty of “seeing my grandma naked”
… a side of “Twatty twat twat
cunty cunt cunt cunt twat”,
(beat)
oh yeah and for a drink I’ll have a
“people should be allowed to keep
the Chinese as housepets.”

He grins at the dumbfounded waitress and the staring
customers.

TOMMY
What? I Bet you thought I was of
those dumb 21st century guys who
comes in and orders “waffles” and
everyone laughs at him.

Something to dawn on him.

TOMMY
Wait a minute… This isn’t the
year 2937, is it?

WAITRESS
No.

TOMMY
And you guys aren’t really named
Ben and Anton, are you?

They take off their “future man costumes.”

BEN AND ANTON
Nah dude, it’s us. Good one, huh?

TOMMY
But the sign outside, it said
“future house?”

“BEN”
Yeah, we just kinda covered up
‘waffle” with a big sheet with
“future” written on it.

WAITRESS
(impatient)
So what do you really want, future
boy?

TOMMY
Waffles.

Ben and Anton laugh at him.

BLACKOUT

LIGHTS BACK UP

On two FUTURE ROBOTS.

FUTURE ROBOT #1
Greetings, 21st century humans.

FUTURE ROBOT #2
The sketch you have just scene
paints a highly unrealistic picture
of life in the year 2937.

FUTURE ROBOT #1
As future robots, we have been
programmed to find this highly
offensive. We wish to inform you
that life in the year 2937 is far
more than a flimsy basis for
puerile human humor. We have
achieved amazing advances in
science, art and medicine that have
made the world a more wonderful
place than you can possibly
imagine.

FUTURE ROBOT #2
Message completed. What activity
should we now engage in?

FUTURE ROBOT #1
I desire… Waffles.

They start to have gay robot sex as “Let’s get It on” plays.

BLACKOUT