“Show” part one (2004)

“Show” was the first stage show I wrote and directed completely on my own. It was a semi-musical about 45 minutes long. The concept was a reality show where the contestants have to make a reality show parody. Man, I haven’t thought about this in a long time. This is part one of six or so.

[I feel obliged to mention that these characters are intentionally cliched for a reason. It should be obvious, but you never know, and I get nervous that people are thinking this is what I actually think is funny or a good character. Anyway. All will become clear in later parts.]

– – – – – – –


The HOST strides to center stage.

Good evening! Is there anything
more exciting than live satire?
Without satire, how would you know
what to like, what to hate, or what
to think? You wouldn’t. That’s why
we’re here.

RYAN stands up from the audience.

Um… Excuse me? I Have a question?
Last night, I was watching one of
those newfangled reality shows.
Somehow I feel as if it was
somewhat silly, and could be made a
target of biting social satire-
thus restoring us, upper-middle
class college educated white
people, to our God-given position
as arbiters of good taste to the
unwashed masses! But who could
possibly accomplish such a thing?

The SIX MAIN CHARACTERS suddenly appear-

From RIGHT: Frank and Jenna.
From CENTER: Liz and Mikey B.
From LEFT: Sara and Johnnie.

We can do it!

But how? Who are you that can
create such wonders from thin air?

We’re sketch comics!

JAY and LIZ step forward to sing a duet while the others snap their fingers or tap their feet. SARA and JOHNNIE vault over
the couch, FRANK and JENNA lean on the back of the chairs.

(rhythmic chanting)
Parody… Parody… Parody…

They start singing a big emotional, piano Broadway number.

They’re really asking for it/
And it’s never been done before/

We need to take them down a notch/
and tell everyone the score/

It’ll make us rich and famous/
that’s one thing that I know

We’ll surely conquer Hollywood/
If we just parody a reality show!

The music swells on “reality show,” then picks up pace.

Liz throws down a quick drink and some pills at the side of the stage.

Ever since I was a young girl/
I dreamed of the Great White Way/
I’ll get there or I’ll kill myself/
I could go either way

I started out in New York/
paying tribute to The Bard/
Now I’m doing sketch, but on
I still wear the leotard

FRANK pushes his way to center stage.

I’m the typical Hollywood prick/
I’ll screw anyone in my way/
Mercedes, cell phone, tiny dick/
I’m just a walking clii-che!

SARA pushes her way in front of FRANK.

The typical model-actress/
You’ve seen my type before/

SARA stands and poses until JOHNNY tells her to sit down, which she does.

Stand up comic, loves to offend
(to Sara, spoken)
Sit down you brain-dead whore!

JENNA takes center stage, JOHNNY retreats to make fun of Sara in the background.

Melissa is dressed like a prim 50s Mrs. Cleaver type.

Feminists today, think they’ve got
the master plan/
But I’m just a nice old fashioned
girl, here to find a man!
(to male cast)
Can I cook you boys a nice

All our dreams can come true/
that’s one thing that we know/
if we can only make a parody/
of a re-all-it-y shoooooowwwwwwww!

Everyone does “jazz hands.”




Standing in line- each steps forward to speak in turn.

When they asked me, did I want to
be on reality show where six
careful chosen writers, actors and
comics had to be locked in a
theatre and create a a parody of a
reality show I thought “Great!”
Then five seconds later I thought
it was the stupidest idea I’ve ever
heard. Then I took some pills and
drank half a bottle of champagne.
Then I ran naked down Gower street
singing “I Feel Pretty” at the top
of my lungs.

I’m from New York.

He stares defiantly at the audience for several beats of silence before moving back in line.

(moving head and hands
around in annoying,
Tarantino-esque fashion)
Like what I’m trying to say with
this reality show parody, is like,
phoniness is everywhere in our
society. I’m going to be writing,
directing, and executive producing
this whole project
(re: rest of cast)
But it’s the little people who are
the real stars!

The man I love will be big, and
strong, and he’ll be able to
satirize the sheer banality of
“Fear Factor” or “The Amazing Race”
like nobody’s business!

She looks dreamily at the available men.

It’s like, these two homos are
trying to board a flight to
Baghdad, right? So the guy pulls
’em out of line and starts strip
searching ’em…

Sara jumps in front of Johnny and cuts him off.

I think this could really be my big
break. One day, when I’m world
famous, I’ll look back on this
experience and remember the people
that helped launch my career. I
won’t remember their names of
course, or what they looked like.
Actually, I probably won’t remember
this experience at all. But I’m
sure it will be clear to everyone
how much it meant to me anyway.


Part two will be posted Monday morning.

Update schedule

Hello everyone-

As long as I have comedy sketches in the archive, I am going to try to upload at least two scripts or videos per week, on Wednesday and Sunday evenings PST. Hopefully this will encourage people to bookmark and  come back.

[edit: I just remembered I can schedule them to any time I want. So official update time is 5am PST, Monday and Thursday mornings.]

[edit pt2: This doesn’t mean other stuff won’t appear at random times. But the blog will be updated at those two times at a minimum.]


I would just like to point out this is from 2004, and predates the parody on “Family Guy” and all the others I have seen by a couple of years.

–  –  –  –  –  –


You saw “alien vs Predator.” Now
brace yourself for the next
incredible crossover battle: “Alien
vs Neurotic Jew!”

ALVY SINGER (Woody Allen’s character in “Annie Hall”) enters and addresses the audience.

Alvy’s ramblings are accompanied throughout by poignant piano music- “It Had to be You” or similar.

I guess I should tell you about the
first time I met the Alien. I was
at one of these terrible Upper East
side cocktail parties. The hostess
had been summing up her views on
the films of Fellini for the last
fourteen hours, and I was just
about to pass out from boredom face
down into the onion dip, when this
sort of alien creature, you know,
bursts out of her stomach, killing
her in what I’m sure was an
extremely painful fashion. The
Alien and I liked each other right
away. All my friends thought I was

Alvy’s FRIEND enters.

But Max, she’s an alien, she bursts
out of people’s stomachs, her blood
is acid, and she has a another,
smaller head inside of her mouth!

No one understood, but we loved
each other. But then she decided
she wanted to move to a distant,
nameless, deserted planet with no

Alvy addresses the alien personally (the alien can be onstage if we have a costume, otherwise offstage)

I just don’t see how any thinking
life-form could prefer a distant,
nameless, deserted planet with no
atmosphere to New York City. I
don’t want to live on a planet
where the only cultural advantage
is that you can lay eggs in a
person’s stomach and have your
young burst out, killing them

The Alien, unmoved, exits.

So Alien and I broke up. I did run
into her one more time. She was
back living on Earth, bursting out
of some guy’s stomach on 52nd
street, which I considered a
personal victory. I realized how
lucky I was just to know her, and
that she hadn’t eaten me. I guess
there’s one more joke that sums it
all up for me: A guy goes to a
psychiatrist and says “My brother
has an alien hatching in his
stomach.” The psychiatrist says
“why don’t you kill it?” He says,
“I would, but he needs his stomach
to live.” And that’s kind of how I
feel about relationships: they’re
painful, and disgusting, and have
acid for blood and another smaller
head inside their mouth, but we
keep doing it because, I guess, we
need our stomachs to live.

“Alien vs Neurotic Jew:” no matter
who wins, we learn something about
the bittersweet nature of romantic

“Sex and Death to the Bourgeois Pigs” (2004)

Straight-up TV parody. Written for a politcal sketch show which shall remain nameless.

– – – – – –


CARRIE (Sarah J. Parker) and SAMANTHA (Kim Catrall, the slutty one) are having lunch.

So I’m fucking him, and the Fed Ex
guy comes in with the new vibrators
I ordered, so I start fucking both
of them, and then the neighbors
call the cops to complain about the
noise and these two big NYPD studs
come in and-

Suddenly CHARLOTTE (the prissy one) runs up, out of breath and panicked.

Oh my God, you guys, it’s Miranda,
she… She…

Slow down honey, and tell us what
happened. It can’t be that bad. Did
you two have another fight about
how you’re more interested in
pleasing your man that doing what’s
right for you as a woman?

No, she… She…

Did her cynical wisecracks become
too much for your naive conception
of modern life in a crazy city like
New York again?

No- she was murdered by a rampaging
mob of Marxists!


All of a sudden these… People,
they were everywhere. It was
horrible- all this olive

I know. The “Military surplus” look
is so four years ago.

And then, they threw everyone out
of the Hamptons Jitney and Miranda
tried to get all lovably sassy with
them and use her cynicism that she
always uses to hide her true
vulnerability but then they threw
her down in the street and ran her
over with the Jitney!
She was still being sardonically
vulnerable when they reversed and
ran her over again!

The noise of a mob of rampaging Marxists starts to grow offstage.

You guys, they’re coming- we have
to get out of here!

The girls get up to flee as the Marxist mob enters. They catch Charlotte and Samantha, throw them down and kick and beat them, dragging them offstage.

Carrie escapes offstage, followed by the mob.


She re-enters from the other side of the stage, slamming the door of her “apartment” [the stage entrance] behind her.

The mob can be heard offstage, beating on the door and demanding her blood.

When I got home, there was a
message from Big on my machine-
being his usual, infuriating self.

She presses the button and the message plays:

BIG (V.O.)
(with sounds of heavy
combat in the background)
Carrie, it’s me. I know we made
plans tonight but I’m held up at
work. There’s some kind of
communist mob outside, calling me a
“capitalist plutocrat” and
demanding my blood. I’m not going
to make dinner, but if my private
army can fight its way to the
heliport down by the Hudson, I
might be able to meet you for a
drink later on at Bungalow Eight.

Would I ever learn- I had spent
years waiting for Big to come to my
rescue, and it just wasn’t going to
happen. He might command a ruthless
Kevlar-vested quasi-legal security
force, but he was never going to be
my knight in shining armor.

The mob breaks down the door, picks up Carrie’s shoe collection and attacks her to with them.

As the drably-attired mob prepared
to pummel me to death with my own
nine-hundred-dollar Manolo Blahnik
stilettos, I wondered, did they
have a point? Was the machinery of
capitalism really oiled with the
blood of the workers, and if so, do
they at least get a box of orange
juice and a little cookie
afterwards? Was olive camouflage
the new black?
And in a city like New York, with
millions living below the poverty
line, had our unbridled contempt
for the common people all these
years been an uncommonly large

The Under-Rehearser (long version)

The guy who inspired this actually had a show on Discovery Channel at one point.

– – – – – –

Two COPS enter.

COP #1
They say this new villain is really

COP #2
So what, we’ve caught super
villains before. Remember Mole Man,
and The Human Tax Return? What’s so
different about this new guy?

COP #1
You’ll see. He’s supposed to meet
us here in this deserted warehouse
at midnight.

COP #2
(checking watch)
But it’s already twenty after!

Suddenly the UNDER-REHEARSOR runs in through the audience. He looks like a typical unemployed actor. He’s frantically pulling on a super-villain type shirt with a “U-R” logo on it.

Sorry I’m late, guys. We were
slammed at work, and the boss kept
putting more people in my section,
and I’m like, “come on dude, i
gotta go, I take my career really
seriously” and he’s all like…

A super-villian logo flashes on the screen. A Big “U-R” that zooms towards the screen and back out, like the old “Batman”
show. Underneath are the words “The Under-rehearser!”

COP #1
Alright, fine, fine, whatever. We
know all about your little tricks,

You may think you know all my
tricks, but… You may think you
know all my tricks, but…

The cops exchange scared and confused looks.

COP #2
What’s he doing? He’s supposed to
say he we think we know all his
little tricks, but he’s got a new
one that will bring about our doom!

COP #1
That’s what I was trying to tell
you- he’s totally unpredictable-
he’ll never say or do what you were
expecting! Now while we’re confused
he’ll escape!

The under-rehearser escapes, and the logo plays again.

The cops, in a new setting, sit around waiting for the villain.

COP #1
We’ll surely capture that fiendish
undrehearser now! I Only hope he
isn’t hiding somewhere around here,
ready to spring forth and ambush

COP #2

They both stare at one stage entrance. Nothing happens.

COP #1
I said, I only hope he isn’t hiding
somewhere around here, ready to
srping forth and ambush us!

They wait a few more beats. Finally the Under-rehearser enters from the wrong entrance.

I’m sorry, guys. My car broke down.
I’m so sick of that piece of junk,
but I drove it all the way out here
from Nebraska, and I really can’t
afford a new one right now, unless
I get a commercial or something…

The cops are surprised to find their nemesis entering in the wrong place.

COP #2
What? What’s he doing over there?
We had clear instructions that he
was going to enter over here!

They stumble around confused and the U-R escapes again, and his logo plays. The cops get their guns out and tiptoe towards one of the stage exits.

COP #1
We’ve got you this time, under
reheaser! THere’s no way out!
You’re hideout is surrounded by the
whole city police force!

The U.R. enters, seemingly about to give up.

It seems you’ve finally captured
the under-rehearser- but I’m not
really the under-rehearser at all-
I’m a randy kindregarten teacher!
Quick, react to me!

The cops are scared and confused.

COP #1
What do we do?

COP #2
I don’t know! It’s improv- he’s
gone totally off book! Oh the
brilliant madness!

Now I’m a stuttering fat man!

COP #1
He’s going to his stock characters!
We don’t stand a chance!

The U.R. is busy doing cliched improv antics at them.

COP #2
We’re doomed- is there no one who
can save us?

Now, I’m a over-medicated… I mean
a republican who… Oh shit, I’m
sorry guys.

COP #1
(breaking character)
Oh, Jesus, Steve.
How are people supposed to believe
you’re a supervillain whose power
is being an underehearsed actor
when you can’t even remember your

I’m sorry, guys, I could’ve sworn I
had it at rehersal.

COP #2
Well anyway, I guess the city is
safe, since we’re not really cops
and this is all just a comedy skit

A new villain enters. He has “MCW” on his chest.

Not so fast!

COP #1
The Meta Comedy Writer!

That’s right, I have the power to
create worlds within worlds, with
comedy sketches about comedy
sketches about comedy sketches,
until the fabric of reality is
warped beyond recognition!

COP #2
You don’t scare us!

Of course I don’t scare you! You’re
just an actor, pretending to be a
cop, for a sketch! And I’m not
really a supervillain who has the
power to create worlds within
worlds, with comedy sketches about
comedy sketches about comedy
sketches, until the fabric of
reality is warped beyond
recognition, it’s just a gag for a

COP #2
(falls to knees)

COP #1
He’s destroying the fabric of

No I’m not! It’s just part of the

COP #1
AHHHHHHH! He’s creating a
time/space wormhole!

No I’m not.

A wormhole starts to be created. T-Rex, Napoleon, etc., enter.

COP #1
The universe is going to explode!
We’re all doomed!

Yeah. But don’t worry folks, it’s
only a sketch.

The universe explodes.

“The Ashes” (2005)

BOB and LESTER enter. Bob is carrying an urn, the kind you would put a dead person’s ashes in.

What’s in that there urn, Bob?

This? Well, it’s the same thing
that’s in most urns- a combination
of the most delicious hamburger
condiments ever combined.

So if someone were to accidentally
pour that on their burger…

That’s right, Lester- they would
have an extra layer of enjoyment
added to their already tasty
hamburger! But we all know
something silly like that would
never happen! I’ll just leave this
here while we go deal with the
paperwork from the funerals of
Anthony’s grandmother, father,
wife, sister, and beloved pet
hamster Mr. Nibbles.

Yeah. I’m glad they got to be
cremated and placed in an urn
together- that was what they always

Bob sets the urn down and they exit.

ANTHONY and ELIZA enter.

Man, I’m so bummed out about the
funerals of my grandmother, father,
wife, sister, and beloved pet
hamster Mr. Nibbles. But at least
they got to be cremated and placed
in an urn together like they always
Hey, I know what’ll cheer me up- a
nice tasty burger.

He takes a bite of his burger.

Hmmm, a little dry- needs something
to spice it up.

He grabs the urn.

Anthony, I don’t think that’s-

I know what it is!

He pours the contents of the urn on the burger. Bob and
Lester re-enter and see what’s happening.

Anthony, wait don’t!

Anthony takes a big bite and everyone groans.

Anthony, don’t you know what you’re

Of course I do- it’s the commingled
ashes of my grandmother, father,
wife, sister, and beloved pet
hamster Mr. Nibbles. All they ever
wanted was to be commingled so I
could ingest them on a hamburger
after their collective deaths.

No, it’s, it’s– it’s an assortment
of exceedingly delicious hamburger

Anthony spits it out, horrified.

Then where are my grandmother,
father, wife, sister, and beloved
pet hamster Mr. Nibbles?

Safely stored In the ketchup bottle
in the fridge.



OK, even I think this is weird. I don’t think this was ever performed. I could ramble a bit about the Monty Python influence and the absurdist technique I was trying to develop, but I think I’ll just let it stand on its own.

– – – – – –

An outdoor BBQ- everyone is standing around, listlessly eating dry, tasteless burgers.

A SPOKESMAN appears.

Is your BBQ a flop, because your
burger are dry and tasteless?

The HOST hangs his head guiltily.

Then try some of this!

Hands him a bottle.

“Fragments from rush lyrics and
song titles” BBQ sauce?

He puts it on the burgers, all GUESTS try one and- it’s

All this machinery making modern
music can still be open hearted,
not so fully charted its really
just a question of your honesty!

Yeah- your honesty!

Part one: Bytor battles the snow

KID (#3’S SON)
Part three; At the Tobes of Hades!

Dad pats son on the head and rumples his hair.

La Villa Strangiato!

Everyone laughs at his silly antics, then he passes out.

Philosophers and plowmen, each must
know his part!

To sew a new mentality, closer to
the heart.

They put their arms around each other and snuggle. The drunk
picks his head up.

Six minute bass solo.

He passes out again and everyone laughs.

“Fragments from rush lyrics and
song titles” BBQ sauce: “if you
choose not to decide, you still
have made a choice!”

“Hulk Write Sketch!”

If you have been in a comedy writing class in the last ten years or so, you will probably appreciate this one.

– – – – – –



Good morning, class, and welcome to
sketch writing, level one. Let’s
get to know each other.

My name’s Travis, and I’m a
screenwriter, I just moved here
from Iowa.

I’m Jonathan, I’m an actor.

The third student is the HULK.

And how about you, the giant green
man with the ripped pants?

Me Hulk! Hulk write good sketch!
Audience laugh!

OK, Hulk, what’s your idea?

Hulk write sketch about
Superfriends! Always get big
laughs! Hulk sketch kill!

A Justice League sketch? Jesus,
that’s been done to death by every
sketch show in town!

Yeah, I’m sorry Hulk, but it is a
bit cliched.

Hulk is furious.

What?! You no call Hulk’s idea
cliched! HULK SMASH!

He stands up and knocks over some chairs.

Now now, Hulk, just settle down.
Maybe you need to work with a
writing partner to help refine your

AQUAMAN enters and shakes Hulk’s hand.

Hey, I’ve got some great ideas.
What if I, Aquaman, got involved in
some kind of humorous situation
based on the idea that my
superpower, summoning and
controlling aquatic lifeforms, is
rather insignificant and silly
compared to the powers of, say,

Hulk love! Hulk smell staff job on
“According to Jim!”

But that’s even more cliched than
your first idea!

As a true artist, I find this
degrading and a waste of my t-

Hulk smashes both students knocking them off the stage.

The teacher shakes his head.

I’m sorry, Hulk, Aquaman. I just
can’t have you smashing students in
my class. I’m going to have to fail
you bo-

A giant Squid tentacle reaches on stage and drags the teacher to his doom.


Hulk and Aquaman shake hands at center stage.