The Under-Rehearser (long version)

The guy who inspired this actually had a show on Discovery Channel at one point.

– – – – – –

Two COPS enter.

COP #1
They say this new villain is really
tough.

COP #2
So what, we’ve caught super
villains before. Remember Mole Man,
and The Human Tax Return? What’s so
different about this new guy?

COP #1
You’ll see. He’s supposed to meet
us here in this deserted warehouse
at midnight.

COP #2
(checking watch)
But it’s already twenty after!

Suddenly the UNDER-REHEARSOR runs in through the audience. He looks like a typical unemployed actor. He’s frantically pulling on a super-villain type shirt with a “U-R” logo on it.

UNDER-REHEARSOR
Sorry I’m late, guys. We were
slammed at work, and the boss kept
putting more people in my section,
and I’m like, “come on dude, i
gotta go, I take my career really
seriously” and he’s all like…

A super-villian logo flashes on the screen. A Big “U-R” that zooms towards the screen and back out, like the old “Batman”
show. Underneath are the words “The Under-rehearser!”

COP #1
Alright, fine, fine, whatever. We
know all about your little tricks,
under-rehearser.

UNDER-REHEARSOR
You may think you know all my
tricks, but… You may think you
know all my tricks, but…

The cops exchange scared and confused looks.

COP #2
What’s he doing? He’s supposed to
say he we think we know all his
little tricks, but he’s got a new
one that will bring about our doom!

COP #1
That’s what I was trying to tell
you- he’s totally unpredictable-
he’ll never say or do what you were
expecting! Now while we’re confused
he’ll escape!

The under-rehearser escapes, and the logo plays again.

The cops, in a new setting, sit around waiting for the villain.

COP #1
We’ll surely capture that fiendish
undrehearser now! I Only hope he
isn’t hiding somewhere around here,
ready to spring forth and ambush
us!

COP #2
Agreed!

They both stare at one stage entrance. Nothing happens.

COP #1
I said, I only hope he isn’t hiding
somewhere around here, ready to
srping forth and ambush us!

They wait a few more beats. Finally the Under-rehearser enters from the wrong entrance.

UNDER-REHEARSOR
I’m sorry, guys. My car broke down.
I’m so sick of that piece of junk,
but I drove it all the way out here
from Nebraska, and I really can’t
afford a new one right now, unless
I get a commercial or something…

The cops are surprised to find their nemesis entering in the wrong place.

COP #2
What? What’s he doing over there?
We had clear instructions that he
was going to enter over here!

They stumble around confused and the U-R escapes again, and his logo plays. The cops get their guns out and tiptoe towards one of the stage exits.

COP #1
We’ve got you this time, under
reheaser! THere’s no way out!
You’re hideout is surrounded by the
whole city police force!

The U.R. enters, seemingly about to give up.

UNDER-REHEARSOR
It seems you’ve finally captured
the under-rehearser- but I’m not
really the under-rehearser at all-
I’m a randy kindregarten teacher!
Quick, react to me!

The cops are scared and confused.

COP #1
What do we do?

COP #2
I don’t know! It’s improv- he’s
gone totally off book! Oh the
brilliant madness!

UNDER-REHEARSOR
Now I’m a stuttering fat man!

COP #1
He’s going to his stock characters!
We don’t stand a chance!

The U.R. is busy doing cliched improv antics at them.

COP #2
We’re doomed- is there no one who
can save us?

UNDER-REHEARSOR
Now, I’m a over-medicated… I mean
a republican who… Oh shit, I’m
sorry guys.

COP #1
(breaking character)
Oh, Jesus, Steve.
How are people supposed to believe
you’re a supervillain whose power
is being an underehearsed actor
when you can’t even remember your
lines?

UNDER-REHEARSOR/STEVE
I’m sorry, guys, I could’ve sworn I
had it at rehersal.

COP #2
Well anyway, I guess the city is
safe, since we’re not really cops
and this is all just a comedy skit
anyway.

A new villain enters. He has “MCW” on his chest.

META-COMEDY WRITER
Not so fast!

COP #1
The Meta Comedy Writer!

META-COMEDY WRITER
That’s right, I have the power to
create worlds within worlds, with
comedy sketches about comedy
sketches about comedy sketches,
until the fabric of reality is
warped beyond recognition!

COP #2
You don’t scare us!

META-COMEDY WRITER
Of course I don’t scare you! You’re
just an actor, pretending to be a
cop, for a sketch! And I’m not
really a supervillain who has the
power to create worlds within
worlds, with comedy sketches about
comedy sketches about comedy
sketches, until the fabric of
reality is warped beyond
recognition, it’s just a gag for a
sketch.

COP #2
(falls to knees)
AHHH! MY BRAIN!

COP #1
He’s destroying the fabric of
reality!

META-COMEDY WRITER
No I’m not! It’s just part of the
sketch!

COP #1
AHHHHHHH! He’s creating a
time/space wormhole!

META-COMEDY WRITER
No I’m not.

A wormhole starts to be created. T-Rex, Napoleon, etc., enter.

COP #1
The universe is going to explode!
We’re all doomed!

META-COMEDY WRITER
Yeah. But don’t worry folks, it’s
only a sketch.

The universe explodes.

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