The Under-Rehearser (long version)

The guy who inspired this actually had a show on Discovery Channel at one point.

– – – – – –

Two COPS enter.

COP #1
They say this new villain is really

COP #2
So what, we’ve caught super
villains before. Remember Mole Man,
and The Human Tax Return? What’s so
different about this new guy?

COP #1
You’ll see. He’s supposed to meet
us here in this deserted warehouse
at midnight.

COP #2
(checking watch)
But it’s already twenty after!

Suddenly the UNDER-REHEARSOR runs in through the audience. He looks like a typical unemployed actor. He’s frantically pulling on a super-villain type shirt with a “U-R” logo on it.

Sorry I’m late, guys. We were
slammed at work, and the boss kept
putting more people in my section,
and I’m like, “come on dude, i
gotta go, I take my career really
seriously” and he’s all like…

A super-villian logo flashes on the screen. A Big “U-R” that zooms towards the screen and back out, like the old “Batman”
show. Underneath are the words “The Under-rehearser!”

COP #1
Alright, fine, fine, whatever. We
know all about your little tricks,

You may think you know all my
tricks, but… You may think you
know all my tricks, but…

The cops exchange scared and confused looks.

COP #2
What’s he doing? He’s supposed to
say he we think we know all his
little tricks, but he’s got a new
one that will bring about our doom!

COP #1
That’s what I was trying to tell
you- he’s totally unpredictable-
he’ll never say or do what you were
expecting! Now while we’re confused
he’ll escape!

The under-rehearser escapes, and the logo plays again.

The cops, in a new setting, sit around waiting for the villain.

COP #1
We’ll surely capture that fiendish
undrehearser now! I Only hope he
isn’t hiding somewhere around here,
ready to spring forth and ambush

COP #2

They both stare at one stage entrance. Nothing happens.

COP #1
I said, I only hope he isn’t hiding
somewhere around here, ready to
srping forth and ambush us!

They wait a few more beats. Finally the Under-rehearser enters from the wrong entrance.

I’m sorry, guys. My car broke down.
I’m so sick of that piece of junk,
but I drove it all the way out here
from Nebraska, and I really can’t
afford a new one right now, unless
I get a commercial or something…

The cops are surprised to find their nemesis entering in the wrong place.

COP #2
What? What’s he doing over there?
We had clear instructions that he
was going to enter over here!

They stumble around confused and the U-R escapes again, and his logo plays. The cops get their guns out and tiptoe towards one of the stage exits.

COP #1
We’ve got you this time, under
reheaser! THere’s no way out!
You’re hideout is surrounded by the
whole city police force!

The U.R. enters, seemingly about to give up.

It seems you’ve finally captured
the under-rehearser- but I’m not
really the under-rehearser at all-
I’m a randy kindregarten teacher!
Quick, react to me!

The cops are scared and confused.

COP #1
What do we do?

COP #2
I don’t know! It’s improv- he’s
gone totally off book! Oh the
brilliant madness!

Now I’m a stuttering fat man!

COP #1
He’s going to his stock characters!
We don’t stand a chance!

The U.R. is busy doing cliched improv antics at them.

COP #2
We’re doomed- is there no one who
can save us?

Now, I’m a over-medicated… I mean
a republican who… Oh shit, I’m
sorry guys.

COP #1
(breaking character)
Oh, Jesus, Steve.
How are people supposed to believe
you’re a supervillain whose power
is being an underehearsed actor
when you can’t even remember your

I’m sorry, guys, I could’ve sworn I
had it at rehersal.

COP #2
Well anyway, I guess the city is
safe, since we’re not really cops
and this is all just a comedy skit

A new villain enters. He has “MCW” on his chest.

Not so fast!

COP #1
The Meta Comedy Writer!

That’s right, I have the power to
create worlds within worlds, with
comedy sketches about comedy
sketches about comedy sketches,
until the fabric of reality is
warped beyond recognition!

COP #2
You don’t scare us!

Of course I don’t scare you! You’re
just an actor, pretending to be a
cop, for a sketch! And I’m not
really a supervillain who has the
power to create worlds within
worlds, with comedy sketches about
comedy sketches about comedy
sketches, until the fabric of
reality is warped beyond
recognition, it’s just a gag for a

COP #2
(falls to knees)

COP #1
He’s destroying the fabric of

No I’m not! It’s just part of the

COP #1
AHHHHHHH! He’s creating a
time/space wormhole!

No I’m not.

A wormhole starts to be created. T-Rex, Napoleon, etc., enter.

COP #1
The universe is going to explode!
We’re all doomed!

Yeah. But don’t worry folks, it’s
only a sketch.

The universe explodes.

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