Upon further reflection, I think I actually had co-writers who contributed a few bits. The “Dijonaise” part was by Brian Sauer I think.
– – – – – –
COMMERCIAL
The Host re-enters, dressed slightly differently (GOOFY JACKET).
HOST
Hey folks! Did you enjoy this
season’s biggest reality show
parody parody sensation, “Project
Sketchlite?”
PLANTS (FRANK and RYAN) in the front row cheer and yell enthusiastically.
HOST (CONT’D)
Then you’ll want to order the brand
spankin’ new Project Sketchlite DVD-
what would you say if I told you
you could buy it now for only
$29.99?
MIKEY B enters RIGHT carrying a big cardboard SIGN reading “$29.99”
An audience member (FRANK) jumps up out of the front row.
FRANK
NO! THAT’S FAR TOO MUCH YOU EVIL
BASTARDS!
Frank jumps onstage and starts pummeling the guy carrying the cards.
HOST
No wait! It’s just a gimmick, where
we keep coming down until we get to
real price!
Frank continues whaling on the card guy.
CARD GUY (MIKEY B)
God no! Let me die!
HOST
Let’s just look at some scenes from
the “Sketchlite” DVD.
BLACKOUT (everyone offstage, confessors line up at LEFT)
MELISSA’S CONFESSION (TITLE CARD?)
Melissa enters (LEFT) and sits with her head in her hands. She looks up at the camera, nearly in tears.
MELISSA
Donald and I had a fight.
She pauses to take a breath.
MELISSA
We were making ham sandwiches and
talking about stuff. It was quite a
flirtatious sandwich prep if I do
say so. Anyway, so I went to the
fridge to get some… condiments.
She has to re-gather herself as she’s on the verge of tears.
MELISSA
So….I asked him if he wanted some
dijonaise. And he said no. I said
why not, it’s good. He said it was
the most evil condiment ever
concocted and it was bad for me.
All I said was that I kind of like
it. He…he just stormed off. Left
his sandwich and everything. I
really didn’t know what to make….
SARA’S CONFESSION
SARA
I was at the coffee shop the other
day, working on my new screenplay,
“Total Eclipse of the Heart” – it’s
a romantic comedy. And I was having
some really personal, innermost
thoughts about how it would be just
perfect for me to star in, probably
with one of those hot young actors
with lots of stubble. “Stubble.”
That’s a funny word. I could say it
all day. Stubble. Stubble. Stubb-
Johnny bursts into the cubicle and moves Sara along.
JOHNNY
Alright honey, time’s up. Get
moving.
JOHNNY’S CONFESSION
JOHNNY
Lately… I’ve been really
interested in breasts.
A long silence- that’s all he has to say.
DONALD’S CONFESSION
DONALD
But you know, my next project is
going to address all these issues,
I feel like with all the violence
in our society, the next step is
like violence shouldn’t just be for
those for have achieved the age of
majority- my next project is
entitled “Malcolm in the Middle…
Of Hell!”
He gets so excited when he says “of Hell!” that he maybe knocks something over.
DONALD
It’s going to star Hillary Duff and
of course the wonderful Frankie
Muniz, truly the most underrated
(and handsome) actor today I
believe working in the filmic
milieu.
THE EDITED VERSION FOR TV
[rest of the cast are in position on the furniture, in the dark]
HOST enters and takes spotlight, Donald is left in the dark but won’t stop talking.
HOST
Do you long to live in a
fantasyland insulated from the foul
language and sexual innuendoes-
DONALD
It’s like we’re always confessiong-
its everywhere in today’s society-
reality televsion, the XFL, the
situation in Uzbekistan-
The Host gets the pointy stick and chases Donald off the stage.
DONALD
(being chased)
See the violence infesting our
society?? This is a perfect
illustration!
Donald crashes off the stage, the Host returns to SPOTLIGHT and takes a moment to compose himself.
HOST
Do you long to live in a
fantasyland insulated from the foul
language and sexual innuendoes of
the modern world? Do you wish those
damn kids would get off your lawn?
Are you eighty? Then you’ll love
the Project Sketchlite edited
version!
LIGHTS UP on the cast, on the furniture.
LIZ
Okay you guys, here are my latest
pages.
She distributes PAGES amongst the group. Johnny reads his for a minute then throws them down.
JOHNNY
No way are we doing ANOTHER song.
We got way too many fucking
songs…
As Johnny says the word “fucking” a loud “beep” noise comes over the stage PA (JOHNATHAN on mic).
LIZ
Your part is small. You don’t have
to sing much even. And you get to
say the word “buttpoker.”
JOHNNY
Hang on a second. Did you guys hear
something a second ago?
DONALD
I didn’t hear anything.
LIZ
Nope, nothing.
JOHNNY
No I distinctly heard something. I
think it was when I said the word
fucking…
Again as he says it, the “beeping” noise goes off.
LIZ
That’s weird.
JOHNNY
Yeah it is. It’s like I’m being
edited. If I say asshole…
As he says “asshole” the offstage voice says “butthole” over him.
JOHNNY
That voice sounds nothing like me.
DONALD
True.
JOHNNY
Man that’s fucked up.
The voice says the word “messed” over fucked.
JOHNNY
Fuck! Fuck! Fucking fuck!
Each time he says fuck, the voice says “darn!” over him.
Johnny flips out and tries to attack Donald.
JOHNNY
You fucker! I’ll kill you!
DONALD
Bring it on, homo erectus!
There’s a loud beep over the PA and their next lines are replaced by very fake sounding voices, while they still appear to be fighting:
JOHNNY (JOHNATHAN)
I’m sorry we were fighting. I was
wrong.
DONALD (SARA)
I was wrong too. Let’s hug and get
to understand each other better and
volunteer to help homeless lesbian
native Americans.
They stop fighting and stand staring at each other. The Host prods Johnny with the pointy stick until he very reluctantly steps forward and hugs Donald.
Standing “O” from the fake audience (played over PA, some cheesy sitcom theme music plays?)
BLACKOUT
COMMENTARY – WASHING DISHES (TITLE CARD)
[need to plant Ryan in front row, Mikey B in balcony here]
HOST
(wiping away tear)
Wasn’t that wonderful, folks?
(beat)
Do you enjoy listening to
incompetent hacks claiming their
work has artistic merit in the face
of indisputable visual evidence to
the contrary? Then you’ll love the
commentary tracks from the
Sketchlite cast!
A scene of Johnny and Melissa washing the dishes. (SPOTLIGHT)
The commentator, Donald, sitting in the DARK.
DONALD
What is this- when they were
washing the dishes? Yeah.
What I was trying to say in this
scene, is like, in some way, aren’t
we all the dishes?
Donald watches, getting angry.
DONALD
Alright, stop, stop, this is all
wrong people!
Donald walks to the kitchen area and starts giving direction to the dishwashers.
DONALD
Counter clockwise, not clockwise!
For God’s sake, you’re cleansing
your soul- do I have to tell you
people every little thing?
Johnny turns around from washing dishes and him a look.
JOHNNY
What are talking about, you queer?
And how come you never help out
with the dishes?
DONALD
I can’t
(making hand quotes)
“help” with the “dishes.” I’m not
really “here.” This “scene”
happened months ago. I’m doing a
commentary track.
JOHNNY
Whatever. That’s the oldest excuse
in the book. Why don’t you just say
you’re too lazy to do the dishes?
DONALD
I’m not lazy. It’s metaphysically
impossible for me to do these
dishes. These dishes no longer
exist.
JOHNNY
Whaddaya mean “no longer exist?”
What, did they just disappear?
DONALD
No, there are still dishes, but not
the dishes that existed at this
particular instance of space-time.
It’s patently impossible for
commentary track Jay to interact
with Project Sketchlite principal
photography-era cutlery.
JOHNNY
Just do the fucking dishes or I’ll
kick your ass, gay boy!
Donald starts to do the dishes.
The same audience member from before stands up, with a DRINK.
AUDIENCE MEMBER (RYAN)
(in commentary voice)
When I was watching this scene, I
was thinking, this seat is a little
bit uncomfortable. I ordered a gin
and tonic from the waitress, and
like forty minutes later she comes
back, and it’s not even a gin and
tonic, it’s-
Someone else up in the balcony and starts commentating.
MYSTERY COMMENTATOR (MIKEY B)
When I was watching my son watch
this scene, I felt a deep sense of
disappointment. Is that how I
raised my boy, to not even be able
to concentrate on a simple sketch
comedy scene, because his precious
drink isn’t just the way he likes
it?
The audience member looks up in the balcony.
AUDIENCE MEMBER
Dad, is that you?
MYSTERY COMMENTATOR/DAD (MIKEY B)
My son is an alcoholic who can’t
even pay attention to a relatively
straightforward commentary sketch
without his booze!
AUDIENCE MEMBER (RYAN)
Oh dad I’m sorry! I have a problem!
MYSTERY COMMENTATOR/DAD (MIKEY B)
It’s OK son! I forgive you!
They run towards each other and meet on the staircase, hugging.
AUDIENCE MEMBER (RYAN)
I love you dad!
MYSTERY COMMENTATOR/DAD (MIKEY B)
I love you son!
Ryan M. Moore 