Month: June 2009

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“Dark Side of the Sketch”, 2004

Two STONERS are planted in the front row of the audience.

Two ACTORS enter onstage and start a sketch about a character named “Flipperhands.”

ACTOR #1
(acting cheesily)
So here I am, at the hair salon. I Couldn’t get an appointment with my regular girl, so I guess they’ll give me the new guy. I sure hope there’s nothing odd about him.

Actor #2 enters, wearing swimming flippers on his hands and speaking with a silly Italian accent.

ACTOR #2/FLIPPERHANDS
Hey, you need-a the haircut? I cut-a the hair real nice!

ACTOR #1
But you’re hands, they’re-

ACTOR #2/FLIPPERHANDS
Whatsmatta, you think I can’t give-a the good haircut, just because I got-a the swimming flippers for the hands?

In the front row, two STONERS are watching.

STONER #1
Man, this sketch sucks, change it.

STONER #2
No way, dude. I heard something awesome- check this out.

He clicks a remote and “Dark Side of the Moon” starts to play- the song “Money.”

ACTOR #1
Well, how much is the haircut?

STONER #2
See dude, he’s like talking about how much it costs- money! And the song is called “Money” – isn’t that freaking awesome??

STONER #1
Aw come on man, it’s just a coincidence.

STONER #2
Coincidence, you say? Watch this dude!

The song “Time” starts.

ACTOR #1
Well, OK, but I need this haircut fast. I don’t have time.

STONER #2
(elbowing his friend)
DUDE!

STONER #1
Wow, that’s so fucking awesome! So awesome I want to get really like, you know, stoned and stuff!

They proceed to get really stoned and stuff; some stoner friends join them and make so much noise that the sketch actors can hardly be heard.

Suddenly ROGER WATERS, mastermind of Pink Floyd, rushes onto the stage, appearing as he did in the 1970s.

WATERS
(to stoners)
Stop it stop it you bloody idiots!

STONER #1
Who are you dude?

WATERS
I’m Roger Waters of Pink Floyd, and I wrote “Dark Side of the Moon!”

STONER #2
Awesome!

WATERS
Shut up you bloody twit! How did I ever get a bunch of idiots like you as fans? It may be rock and roll, but “The Dark Side of the Moon” is a serious work of art, about the pressures that push human beings to the brink of insanity.

STONER #2
Which pressures would those be, dude?

WATERS
You know, like the constant knowledge that every passing second is one step closer to the inevitable meeting with the grim angel of death.

STONER #2
So, essentially, “time?”

WATERS
Yes, OK, to grossly oversimplify my vision into a single word, time.

Just as he says the word “time” the song “Time” starts playing.

WATERS
Oh bloody fuck.

STONER #1
Hey man, are you really going to get back together with Pink Floyd?

WATERS
Never. Gilmour has no artistic integrity- all he cares about is money!

The song “Money” starts to play. Waters realizes what’s happening to him-

WATERS
NOOOOOO!!!

He flees the stage as Flipperhands watches, non-plussed.

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“The Amazing Goliaths” c. 2005?

MOVIE TRAILER GUY (V.O.)
They were the team everyone thought had a chance, but they were right- this Summer, get ready for the Amazing Goliaths!

INT. FOOTBALL LOCKER ROOM

A COACH is giving a pre-game pep talk to his football TEAM.

COACH
OK, men, listen up! Today is the most important game of your lives- the state championship!

PLAYER #1
But coach, this stadium is so different from our home field!

COACH
I know, Travis. But we’re still the same team. Sure, their field may have 3500 crappy bleacher seats- it’s nothing like our 60,000 seat NFL-quality stadium at home. And the team we’re facing tonight, they train on rusty weights in an old barn- not like our multimillion dollar state-of-the-art training facility. Now they may call me crazy, but I still think we have a chance to win this game. Because at the end of the day, they may have more hustle, and heart, and good old fashioned gumption than us, but we’ve got something you can’t measure- superior athletic ability! Goliaths on three!

The team all put their hands in:

TEAM
ONE TWO THREE GOLIATHS!!

Team exits, pumped up, then re-enters.

COACH
Alright, men, it’s halftime! Now I know things look bad- we’ve only got a 41 point lead. Now I want to tell you men a little story. It’s about a kid named Randy. They told Randy he was too small to play football. And he was born with Mulitple Scelorsis, and only one limb. Randy doesn’t have long to live, in fact he’s probably going to die right after the game tonight. All Randy ever wanted was to just carry the ball in a real football game. His story is an inspiration to us all. Randy plays for the other team, so Brent-

He points to BRENT, the biggest, meanest player on the team.

COACH
-when Randy gets the ball, I want you to knock the living crap out of him. It’s not going to be easy, but I think you can do it!

BRENT
OK, coach!

The team all put their hands in:

TEAM
ONE TWO THREE GOLIATHS!!

They exit for the second half, then return, having won the game.

COACH
OK, team, huddle up! Now we were facing some real challenges tonight, but we stuck together, and we won the game by 120 points!

The team cheer and high-five each other.

COACH
(getting serious)
Men, I want to tell you something- this is a great victory, but I could have done it without each of you- football is an individual game, and together as a team, we’re much weaker than we are as individuals! One day, men, when you’re old and about to die, you’ll look back and realize how pointless this experience really was- but know this- however pointless it was to you men, it was more pointless to me. We may have started out as a family, but you’ve all become like a football team to me.

The team all put their hands in:

TEAM
ONE TWO THREE GOLIATHS!!

They start to carry the coach off on their shoulders, then think “ah, the hell with it” and walk off in opposite directions.

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“The Bag Show”

INT. TALK SHOW STUDIO

Greg is a talk-show announcer. The cast who are not in the scene should be planted in the first row, to play the talk show audience.

GREG (V.O.)
And now ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for your favorite afternoon talk show, “Look Closer!”
(applause)
Your host was discovered in 1999 by producers Dan Jinks and Bruce Cohen in the checkout line at a West Hollywood Albertson’s. They cast him in “American Beauty” and the rest is Hollywood history! And now, here he is, the inanimate object who symbolizes the presence of beauty in even the most mundane everyday objects, The Plastic Bag!

The Bag floats onto his podium at center stage (Ryan is controlling the bag). The AUDIENCE claps and chants.

AUDIENCE
BAG! BAG! BAG! BAG!

The bag floats a little up and to the right and the audience quiets down and sits.

GREG (V.O.)
Today’s topic is Daughters who just ain’t no good, and the mothers who can’t control them! Now let’s meet our mother, Jolene.

JOLENE (Melissa), white trash mom, enters.

MELISSA
Thanks for having me, Bag. I’m here because my daughter Tami ain’t no good- her and her boyfriend Craig are always having the intercourse instead of helping out around the trailer- I don’t know where I done up and gone wrong with that girl!
The Bag bobs around in the air sympathetically.

GREG (V.O.)
And now here she is, Jolene’s no-good daughter, Tami!

TAMI (Kip) comes out to a chorus of boos.

KIP
(flipping off audience)
You don’t know me- you don’t know me!

She sits down next to her mom.

MELISSA
You ain’t no good, girl!

KIP
So what, you think you gonna bring me hear and this piece of plastic is gonna tell me what to do? He ain’t beautiful- he ain’t nothing but a bag! Why don’t you go carry some kumquats, you bag!
The audience boos loudly. The Bag wafts angrily towards Kip.

MELISSA
Now you gone and done it, Tami! That Bag is only trying to help you- I’m ashamed to call you my sassy white trash daughter!
Kip hesitates then breaks down and cries.

KIP
I’m sorry, mama! I’m sorry I done went and had intercourse with Craig- and I’m sorry Craig done knocked me up!

MELISSA
Why you no good-

Melissa grabs Kip, looks like she’s going to slap her, but the Bag wafts meaningfully.
Melissa stares at the Bag for a few meaningful seconds, then breaks down in tears.

MELISSA
Oh girl, I’m sorry! You’re right, Bag- she’s my beautiful baby girl- and I’m gonna have a beautiful baby granddaughter!

KIP
I love you, momma! Thank you, Mr. Bag, you done shown me the error of my ways!

The Bag wafts approvingly.

MELISSA
(to audience)
I knew I needed help raising my girl right, so I took her on Oprah, Rikki, Jerry, and Dr. Phil, but it took a plastic Bag to help us patch things up and show us the way- all them folks is smart, but when it comes to tellin’ simple folks like us how to live, I guess they just ain’t as useful as a good ol’ plastic bag!

Kip and Melissa hug.

GREG (V.O.)
And now it’s time for the bag’s final thought.

The Bag wafts around a little bit- the audience gives him a standing O.

GREG (V.O.)
Tune in tomorrow, when The Bag talks to men who have a gay crush on their neighbor, but are afraid to admit it! Until then, remember: beauty is everywhere!
(in quiet disclaimer voice)
The Bag is not a licensed therapist, or alive, or capable of safely transporting a gallon of milk home from the market without help. The Bag Show makes no guarantee that you will appreciate the symbolism behind The Bag. The Bag Show recognizes that the whole bag thing may be just weird and confusing to you and, even though you pretended to get it when it won all those Oscars, “Titanic” is really more your speed as far as Best Picture Winners go. Tune in every day at this time for another episode of “The Bag Show.”