“Show” (part five)

Previously:
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

SCANDAL REUNION

Host enters, then rest of cast filters back on.

The Host is looking very tired and sneaking a drink from a BOTTLE at the side of the stage just before he comes on and speaks.

HOST
And you also get the Project
Sketchlite Scandal reunion special!

The cast together again, this time without any of the makeup to make them look older.

Everyone’s grumbling, not much enthusiasm.

EVERYONE
Hey. Great to see you again. I
can’t wait to reminisce about the
times we had.

DISHWASHING SCENE

Repeat of Johnny and Melissa washing dishes.

JOHNNY
We weren’t really, you know,
washing the dishes.

MELISSA
Yeah, I mean like we were putting
the wash cloth on the dishes, and
kind of moving it around, but there
wasn’t even any detergent!

JOHNNY
The soap bubbles were added later,
by CGI.

MELISSA
Boy did we have a good laugh about
that one.

ANOTHER SCANDAL

[Ryan positioned in balcony]

Johnny is no longer wearing his “fat” towel, but other cast members are wearing affectations such as fake mustaches, wigs, etc. etc. Sara is dressed with a tie, “Avril-style.”

JOHNNY
Hey, remember when they made me
wear that towel, so it would look
like I got old and fat?

DONALD
Yeah. Those were crazy times.

LIZ
Hey, I know! Let’s do a big
Broadway number about this whole
crazy scandal!

She scrambles around trying to get everyone to line up in “Broadway formation.”

LIZ
(singing)
Scandal! It’s more than you can
hand-

Everyone screws up the dance routine they’re supposed to be doing- they’re all supposed to turn one direction, but half turn the wrong way and crash into each other.

Donald’s fake mustache falls off.

Jay tries to help him pick it up, and the silly wig he’s wearing goes flying.

Everyone else joins in, and the stage is covered with silly affectations. Everyone gives up trying to pick them up.

SARA
Dammit, you guys screwed it up
again. And you’re all horribly
horribly ugly.

The cast filter offstage disappointed, again.

Nothing happens for a while. Finally the out of breath reporter runs on.

The reporter enters, running down stairs from balcony.

REPORTER (RYAN)
(out of breath)
Sorry.
(beat)
It’s a scandal! The participants in
Project Sketchlite scandal weren’t
really six hungry young Hollywood
up-and comers participating in a
scandal- they were six hungry young
Hollywood up-and comers, hired as
actors to play the role of six
hungry young Hollywood up-and
comers participating in a scandal!

Drunk host clambers onstage (from funny entrance?)

HOST
(wearily, drunk, drinking
from bottle)
Can’t get enough of that crazy
“Project Sketchlite Scandal”
scandal?

Waits a few beats of silence for a response. Jay and Sara filter back on.

HOST
Me neither. Well now’s your chance
to get even more of the “fake
reality-show-parodying scandal”
scandal antics you love- on the
Project Sketchlite Scandal Scandal
Super Scandalous Scandal-about-a
ScandalVison five-point-one edition
DVD! You get never before seen
outtakes-

JAY
(very ashamed, near tears)
I am from Jersey. But not New
Jersey. The isle of Jersey, in the
English channel.

SARA
The character of “Sara” – the Sara
in the show is nothing like, me
Sara, and she’s hardly anything
like “Sara,” the one who was
playing “Sara” but was really me
playing the Sara who was playing
Sara, who was…

She trails off, confused.

SARA
Anyway, I really am hot. I wasn’t
just acting.
(strikes pose)
And I’ve got this new screenplay.
It’s based around the concept: We
all know Shakespeare fell in love.
But what if- he had fallen in love
with the Titanic? A romance between
the greatest playwright of all time
and the biggest Ship… that
sank… Of all time. You know what
they say, opposites attract! Let me
read you some:
(very silly Shakespeare
voice)
“Shakespeare: oh thou art the most
comely and mighty ship that ever-”

A SCIENTIST (FRANK) in a white lab coat and nerd glasses enters.

SCIENTIST (FRANK)
Stop the show!

HOST
What?

SCIENTIST (FRANK)
I must warn you- you’re in great
danger! A scandal about a scandal
about a parody of a show that
simulates reality!? You’ll create a
time-space paradox- I’m not sure
the universe can handle it!

Sara rips off the lab coat and knocks off the glasses.

SARA
This guy isn’t a scientist, he’s
just an actor in a lab coat and
glasses! It’s a scan-!

“SCIENTIST” (FRANK)
(frantic)
No! No it isn’t! No more scandals!
Man was not meant to toy with the
fabric of reality like this! The
universe is going to explode!

Some sound effects and flashing lights start.

HOST
(drinking more)
Can’t get enough of that crazy
“Project Sketchlite Scandal”
scandal fake scientist time-space
paradox the universe is going to
explode scan-

The universe explodes.

BLACKOUT

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