“Show” (part four)

Previously:
Part One
Part Two
Part Three

THE REUNION SPECIAL

BLACKOUT (Mikey B returns to stage, Ryan to backstage, “fat” Johnny to front row, rest of cast already onstage)

HOST
(very insincere)
Wasn’t that just super?
(beat)
Some time later, we got the
Sketchlite gang back together to
reminisce about the reality show
parody then created together-
Underwater Musical Model Jungle
Comedy Bachelor Search in Space!

The cast, minus Johnny, assembles behind the host, around the couch.

MELISSA’S MARRIAGE MEMORIES

A wistful Melissa takes center stage.

MELISSA
Project Sketchlite will always have
a special place in my heart. I came
to the show with the goal of
getting married, and that’s exactly
what I did. To Donald, then Jay.
Then Johnny. Donald again. Jay.
Johnny. Sara. That one was fun.
Then, let me think…
(beat)
Donald and Jay at the same time.
That was embarrassing. Especially
when Liz caught us.

Sara takes center stage, passing Melissa. Melissa makes a kissy face and “call me later” gesture at Sara.

SARA
Project Sketchlite was wonderful- I
always knew I was incredibly
attractive, but this writing thing
was great for me! I mean, you never
know how truly beautiful you are,
until you surround yourself with
writers and see the contrast. Like
a diamond surrounded with cubic
zirconias. Not that I’m saying the
other cast members were
unattractive. They were just
unattractive compared to me.

She strikes a supermodel pose.

DONALD
Sketchlite was my first step
towards bigger things, of course.

Johnny is sitting in the front row of the audience.

JOHNNY
Yeah, you moved up to eating ten
inch weiners!

Johnny cracks up at his own joke, and encourages the audience to laugh along with him.

Then he climbs on stage and shoves Donald aside.

JOHNNY
I always loved being on stage, but
after “Sketchlite,” I finally found
my true calling. I became a
professional heckler. I’m available
for weddings-

A MINISTER (JOHNATHAN) speaks from offstage.

MINISTER
Do you take this woman…

JOHNNY
Whore!

The bride is heard bursting into tears offstage, Johnny encourages everyone to point and laugh at her (off stage
LEFT).

JOHNNY
(to audience)
Bar Mitzvahs-
(to a Jewish boy O.S.)
Hey jewey McJewBoy you suck!

He is handed the yarmukle from offstage LEFT-

JEWISH BOY (RYAN)
Hey get off!

-and Johnny frisbees it into the audience.

JOHNNY
And of course funerals.

MOURNER (JOHNATHAN)
(offstage)
Why? He was so young!

JOHNNY
Way to die, corpsey!

The mourners all sob uncontrollably (offstage). Johnny, points and laughs at them.

SARA
In retrospect, it was probably a
mistake to set the whole thing
underwater, and in outer space.

LIZ
But the families of all the people
that we lost were so understanding.

DONALD
I don’t want to get into the
physics of it, but drowning, and
exploding from lack of pressure at
the same time, while in a jungle-
not fun. Especially while Melissa
is trying to marry you. You’d think
they could’ve just build some sets,
but they insisted it had to
actually be filmed in outer space,
yet simultaneously underwater in a
jungle.

JOHNNY
Remember when that one guys head
exploded? He was all like “Oh my
God! Oh the pain!” And I’m all like
“nice head, no head. Way to not
have a head anymore!”

JAY
And then there was the jungle.
People would try to get out the
underwater part of the space
station, and they’d end up lost in
the jungle! Let me tell you,
there’s nothing hungrier than a
tiger who’s been launched into
space and forced to live in an
artificial jungle as part of a
reality show parody created by six
Hollywood up-and-comers!

SARA
But the model search went great,
all things considered. That one
girl from Iowa had so much spunk.
She wrestled that tiger so hard- I
really thought she had him…
(quietly)
Until he grabbed her by the neck
and drowned her. Then threw her out
of the airlock into outer space.

LIZ
Oh, I loved those tigers. They were
such good dancers in the musical,
they just loved Broadway so much.

MELISSA
My marriage to Kimba only lasted a
few days. He was always so angry. I
kept saying why don’t you just talk
to me about your feelings, and all
he would is just roar and eat zebra
entrails. And then he found out I
was dating his best friend, Timba.
That wasn’t pretty.

LIZ
Hey guys! You know what we should
do, just for old times sake?

Everyone starts to grumble “oh no” etc.

LIZ
Make up a song about where we are
now!

LIZ
(singing)
Where are we now/
everybody wants know/
it’s the least that we can give
you/
for sitting through this show!

MELISSA
(singing)
I’ve been married and divorced/
thirty-seven times/

DONALD
(singing)
I’m no longer allowed around child
actors/
since I was accused of certain
crimes

JAY
(singing)
I wrote a play about the history/
of the medieval cooood-piece

LIZ
(singing)
I like to do fourteen jello shots/
and karoake songs from “Grease!”

SARA
(singing)
Washed-up model-actress/
now down on her luck/

JOHNNY
(singing)
I’m older and much fatter now/
but I still love saying “FUUUUCK!”

As Johnny sings, the towel falls out of his shirt.

JOHNNY
Uhhh…. That towel was there for
medical… uhh…

DONALD
Balls!

The Cast looks ashamed and files offstage.

A REPORTER (Ryan, with one of those hats that say “press”) jumps into the scene from the front row (where he’s been sitting, jotting down notes).

REPORTER (RYAN)
It’s a scandal! The participants in
Project Sketchlite weren’t really
six hungry young Hollywood up-and
comers- they were six hungry young
Hollywood up-and comers, hired as
actors to play the role of six
hungry young Hollywood up-and
comers!

The Host has been enjoying a drink in the front row. He looks around worried, doesn’t know what to do, finally hops on stage and comes up with:

HOST
Ummm… can’t get enough of that
crazy “Project Sketchlite” scandal?

Waits a few beats of silence for a response.

HOST
Me neither! Well now’s your chance
to get even more of the fake
reality-show-parodying scandal
antics you love- on the Project
Sketchlite Super Scandalous
ScandalVison edition DVD! You get
to know the real cast, in never
before scene Project Sketchlite
Scandal outtakes!

Sara and Jay re-enters.

SARA
My real name’s Sara. I’m an
actress. I wasn’t surprised when I
saw the character “Sara” on Project
Sketchlite, another cheap bimbo,
the kind of role I always get. But
there’s so much more to the real
Sara. For example, did you know
that I wrote my own screenplay?
(pulls out SCREENPLAY)
It’s an adaptation of a Victorian
comedy of manners, but set on an
asteroid that’s on a collision
course with the Earth. I call it
“Emma-geddon.”
(getting excited)
I really think I can pitch this.

She flips through the pages, only the first ten actually have anything on them.

SARA
There’s not actually any dialogue.
In fact, there’s nothing on the
paper at all after page ten. But, I
mean, that’s what uncredited
writers are for, right? And it’s
really nice paper.
(notices something while
flipping)
Oooh, there’s a picture of a cat I
drew.

JAY
(ashamed)
I’m actually from Jersey.