ALIEN VS. NEUROTIC JEW (2004)

I would just like to point out this is from 2004, and predates the parody on “Family Guy” and all the others I have seen by a couple of years.

–  –  –  –  –  –

A MOVIE TRAILER GUY introduces:

MOVIE TRAILER GUY (V.O.)
You saw “alien vs Predator.” Now
brace yourself for the next
incredible crossover battle: “Alien
vs Neurotic Jew!”

ALVY SINGER (Woody Allen’s character in “Annie Hall”) enters and addresses the audience.

Alvy’s ramblings are accompanied throughout by poignant piano music- “It Had to be You” or similar.

ALVY
I guess I should tell you about the
first time I met the Alien. I was
at one of these terrible Upper East
side cocktail parties. The hostess
had been summing up her views on
the films of Fellini for the last
fourteen hours, and I was just
about to pass out from boredom face
down into the onion dip, when this
sort of alien creature, you know,
bursts out of her stomach, killing
her in what I’m sure was an
extremely painful fashion. The
Alien and I liked each other right
away. All my friends thought I was
crazy.

Alvy’s FRIEND enters.

FRIEND
But Max, she’s an alien, she bursts
out of people’s stomachs, her blood
is acid, and she has a another,
smaller head inside of her mouth!

ALVY
No one understood, but we loved
each other. But then she decided
she wanted to move to a distant,
nameless, deserted planet with no
atmosphere.

Alvy addresses the alien personally (the alien can be onstage if we have a costume, otherwise offstage)

ALVY
I just don’t see how any thinking
life-form could prefer a distant,
nameless, deserted planet with no
atmosphere to New York City. I
don’t want to live on a planet
where the only cultural advantage
is that you can lay eggs in a
person’s stomach and have your
young burst out, killing them
horrifically.

The Alien, unmoved, exits.

ALVY
So Alien and I broke up. I did run
into her one more time. She was
back living on Earth, bursting out
of some guy’s stomach on 52nd
street, which I considered a
personal victory. I realized how
lucky I was just to know her, and
that she hadn’t eaten me. I guess
there’s one more joke that sums it
all up for me: A guy goes to a
psychiatrist and says “My brother
has an alien hatching in his
stomach.” The psychiatrist says
“why don’t you kill it?” He says,
“I would, but he needs his stomach
to live.” And that’s kind of how I
feel about relationships: they’re
painful, and disgusting, and have
acid for blood and another smaller
head inside their mouth, but we
keep doing it because, I guess, we
need our stomachs to live.

MOVIE TRAILER GUY (V.O.)
“Alien vs Neurotic Jew:” no matter
who wins, we learn something about
the bittersweet nature of romantic
relationships.

“Sex and Death to the Bourgeois Pigs” (2004)

Straight-up TV parody. Written for a politcal sketch show which shall remain nameless.

– – – – – –

CAFE

CARRIE (Sarah J. Parker) and SAMANTHA (Kim Catrall, the slutty one) are having lunch.

SAMANTHA
So I’m fucking him, and the Fed Ex
guy comes in with the new vibrators
I ordered, so I start fucking both
of them, and then the neighbors
call the cops to complain about the
noise and these two big NYPD studs
come in and-

Suddenly CHARLOTTE (the prissy one) runs up, out of breath and panicked.

CHARLOTTE
Oh my God, you guys, it’s Miranda,
she… She…

CARRIE
Slow down honey, and tell us what
happened. It can’t be that bad. Did
you two have another fight about
how you’re more interested in
pleasing your man that doing what’s
right for you as a woman?

CHARLOTTE
No, she… She…

CARRIE
Did her cynical wisecracks become
too much for your naive conception
of modern life in a crazy city like
New York again?

CHARLOTTE
No- she was murdered by a rampaging
mob of Marxists!

CARRIE AND SAMANTHA
WHAT!?!

CHARLOTTE
All of a sudden these… People,
they were everywhere. It was
horrible- all this olive
everywhere!

SAMANTHA
I know. The “Military surplus” look
is so four years ago.

CHARLOTTE
And then, they threw everyone out
of the Hamptons Jitney and Miranda
tried to get all lovably sassy with
them and use her cynicism that she
always uses to hide her true
vulnerability but then they threw
her down in the street and ran her
over with the Jitney!
(sobbing)
She was still being sardonically
vulnerable when they reversed and
ran her over again!

The noise of a mob of rampaging Marxists starts to grow offstage.

CHARLOTTE
You guys, they’re coming- we have
to get out of here!

The girls get up to flee as the Marxist mob enters. They catch Charlotte and Samantha, throw them down and kick and beat them, dragging them offstage.

Carrie escapes offstage, followed by the mob.

CARRIE’S APARTMENT

She re-enters from the other side of the stage, slamming the door of her “apartment” [the stage entrance] behind her.

The mob can be heard offstage, beating on the door and demanding her blood.

CARRIE (V.O.)
When I got home, there was a
message from Big on my machine-
being his usual, infuriating self.

She presses the button and the message plays:

BIG (V.O.)
(with sounds of heavy
combat in the background)
Carrie, it’s me. I know we made
plans tonight but I’m held up at
work. There’s some kind of
communist mob outside, calling me a
“capitalist plutocrat” and
demanding my blood. I’m not going
to make dinner, but if my private
army can fight its way to the
heliport down by the Hudson, I
might be able to meet you for a
drink later on at Bungalow Eight.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Would I ever learn- I had spent
years waiting for Big to come to my
rescue, and it just wasn’t going to
happen. He might command a ruthless
Kevlar-vested quasi-legal security
force, but he was never going to be
my knight in shining armor.

The mob breaks down the door, picks up Carrie’s shoe collection and attacks her to with them.

CARRIE (V.O.)
As the drably-attired mob prepared
to pummel me to death with my own
nine-hundred-dollar Manolo Blahnik
stilettos, I wondered, did they
have a point? Was the machinery of
capitalism really oiled with the
blood of the workers, and if so, do
they at least get a box of orange
juice and a little cookie
afterwards? Was olive camouflage
the new black?
And in a city like New York, with
millions living below the poverty
line, had our unbridled contempt
for the common people all these
years been an uncommonly large
mistake?

The Under-Rehearser (long version)

The guy who inspired this actually had a show on Discovery Channel at one point.

– – – – – –

Two COPS enter.

COP #1
They say this new villain is really
tough.

COP #2
So what, we’ve caught super
villains before. Remember Mole Man,
and The Human Tax Return? What’s so
different about this new guy?

COP #1
You’ll see. He’s supposed to meet
us here in this deserted warehouse
at midnight.

COP #2
(checking watch)
But it’s already twenty after!

Suddenly the UNDER-REHEARSOR runs in through the audience. He looks like a typical unemployed actor. He’s frantically pulling on a super-villain type shirt with a “U-R” logo on it.

UNDER-REHEARSOR
Sorry I’m late, guys. We were
slammed at work, and the boss kept
putting more people in my section,
and I’m like, “come on dude, i
gotta go, I take my career really
seriously” and he’s all like…

A super-villian logo flashes on the screen. A Big “U-R” that zooms towards the screen and back out, like the old “Batman”
show. Underneath are the words “The Under-rehearser!”

COP #1
Alright, fine, fine, whatever. We
know all about your little tricks,
under-rehearser.

UNDER-REHEARSOR
You may think you know all my
tricks, but… You may think you
know all my tricks, but…

The cops exchange scared and confused looks.

COP #2
What’s he doing? He’s supposed to
say he we think we know all his
little tricks, but he’s got a new
one that will bring about our doom!

COP #1
That’s what I was trying to tell
you- he’s totally unpredictable-
he’ll never say or do what you were
expecting! Now while we’re confused
he’ll escape!

The under-rehearser escapes, and the logo plays again.

The cops, in a new setting, sit around waiting for the villain.

COP #1
We’ll surely capture that fiendish
undrehearser now! I Only hope he
isn’t hiding somewhere around here,
ready to spring forth and ambush
us!

COP #2
Agreed!

They both stare at one stage entrance. Nothing happens.

COP #1
I said, I only hope he isn’t hiding
somewhere around here, ready to
srping forth and ambush us!

They wait a few more beats. Finally the Under-rehearser enters from the wrong entrance.

UNDER-REHEARSOR
I’m sorry, guys. My car broke down.
I’m so sick of that piece of junk,
but I drove it all the way out here
from Nebraska, and I really can’t
afford a new one right now, unless
I get a commercial or something…

The cops are surprised to find their nemesis entering in the wrong place.

COP #2
What? What’s he doing over there?
We had clear instructions that he
was going to enter over here!

They stumble around confused and the U-R escapes again, and his logo plays. The cops get their guns out and tiptoe towards one of the stage exits.

COP #1
We’ve got you this time, under
reheaser! THere’s no way out!
You’re hideout is surrounded by the
whole city police force!

The U.R. enters, seemingly about to give up.

UNDER-REHEARSOR
It seems you’ve finally captured
the under-rehearser- but I’m not
really the under-rehearser at all-
I’m a randy kindregarten teacher!
Quick, react to me!

The cops are scared and confused.

COP #1
What do we do?

COP #2
I don’t know! It’s improv- he’s
gone totally off book! Oh the
brilliant madness!

UNDER-REHEARSOR
Now I’m a stuttering fat man!

COP #1
He’s going to his stock characters!
We don’t stand a chance!

The U.R. is busy doing cliched improv antics at them.

COP #2
We’re doomed- is there no one who
can save us?

UNDER-REHEARSOR
Now, I’m a over-medicated… I mean
a republican who… Oh shit, I’m
sorry guys.

COP #1
(breaking character)
Oh, Jesus, Steve.
How are people supposed to believe
you’re a supervillain whose power
is being an underehearsed actor
when you can’t even remember your
lines?

UNDER-REHEARSOR/STEVE
I’m sorry, guys, I could’ve sworn I
had it at rehersal.

COP #2
Well anyway, I guess the city is
safe, since we’re not really cops
and this is all just a comedy skit
anyway.

A new villain enters. He has “MCW” on his chest.

META-COMEDY WRITER
Not so fast!

COP #1
The Meta Comedy Writer!

META-COMEDY WRITER
That’s right, I have the power to
create worlds within worlds, with
comedy sketches about comedy
sketches about comedy sketches,
until the fabric of reality is
warped beyond recognition!

COP #2
You don’t scare us!

META-COMEDY WRITER
Of course I don’t scare you! You’re
just an actor, pretending to be a
cop, for a sketch! And I’m not
really a supervillain who has the
power to create worlds within
worlds, with comedy sketches about
comedy sketches about comedy
sketches, until the fabric of
reality is warped beyond
recognition, it’s just a gag for a
sketch.

COP #2
(falls to knees)
AHHH! MY BRAIN!

COP #1
He’s destroying the fabric of
reality!

META-COMEDY WRITER
No I’m not! It’s just part of the
sketch!

COP #1
AHHHHHHH! He’s creating a
time/space wormhole!

META-COMEDY WRITER
No I’m not.

A wormhole starts to be created. T-Rex, Napoleon, etc., enter.

COP #1
The universe is going to explode!
We’re all doomed!

META-COMEDY WRITER
Yeah. But don’t worry folks, it’s
only a sketch.

The universe explodes.

“The Ashes” (2005)

BOB and LESTER enter. Bob is carrying an urn, the kind you would put a dead person’s ashes in.

LESTER
What’s in that there urn, Bob?

BOB
This? Well, it’s the same thing
that’s in most urns- a combination
of the most delicious hamburger
condiments ever combined.

LESTER
So if someone were to accidentally
pour that on their burger…

BOB
That’s right, Lester- they would
have an extra layer of enjoyment
added to their already tasty
hamburger! But we all know
something silly like that would
never happen! I’ll just leave this
here while we go deal with the
paperwork from the funerals of
Anthony’s grandmother, father,
wife, sister, and beloved pet
hamster Mr. Nibbles.

LESTER
Yeah. I’m glad they got to be
cremated and placed in an urn
together- that was what they always
wanted.

Bob sets the urn down and they exit.

ANTHONY and ELIZA enter.

ANTHONY
Man, I’m so bummed out about the
funerals of my grandmother, father,
wife, sister, and beloved pet
hamster Mr. Nibbles. But at least
they got to be cremated and placed
in an urn together like they always
wanted.
(beat)
Hey, I know what’ll cheer me up- a
nice tasty burger.

He takes a bite of his burger.

ANTHONY
Hmmm, a little dry- needs something
to spice it up.

He grabs the urn.

ELIZA
Anthony, I don’t think that’s-

ANTHONY
I know what it is!

He pours the contents of the urn on the burger. Bob and
Lester re-enter and see what’s happening.

BOB
Anthony, wait don’t!

Anthony takes a big bite and everyone groans.

LESTER
Anthony, don’t you know what you’re
eating!?

ANTHONY
Of course I do- it’s the commingled
ashes of my grandmother, father,
wife, sister, and beloved pet
hamster Mr. Nibbles. All they ever
wanted was to be commingled so I
could ingest them on a hamburger
after their collective deaths.

BOB
No, it’s, it’s– it’s an assortment
of exceedingly delicious hamburger
condiments!

Anthony spits it out, horrified.

ANTHONY
Then where are my grandmother,
father, wife, sister, and beloved
pet hamster Mr. Nibbles?

BOB
Safely stored In the ketchup bottle
in the fridge.

ANTHONY
NOOOOOOO!

“RANDOM FRAGMENTS FROM RUSH SONGS BBQ SAUCE”

OK, even I think this is weird. I don’t think this was ever performed. I could ramble a bit about the Monty Python influence and the absurdist technique I was trying to develop, but I think I’ll just let it stand on its own.

– – – – – –

An outdoor BBQ- everyone is standing around, listlessly eating dry, tasteless burgers.

A SPOKESMAN appears.

SPOKESMAN
Is your BBQ a flop, because your
burger are dry and tasteless?

The HOST hangs his head guiltily.

SPOKESMAN
Then try some of this!

Hands him a bottle.

HOST
“Fragments from rush lyrics and
song titles” BBQ sauce?

He puts it on the burgers, all GUESTS try one and- it’s
delicious!

GUEST #1
All this machinery making modern
music can still be open hearted,
not so fully charted its really
just a question of your honesty!

GUEST #2
Yeah- your honesty!

GUEST #3
Part one: Bytor battles the snow
dog!

KID (#3’S SON)
Part three; At the Tobes of Hades!

Dad pats son on the head and rumples his hair.

GOOFY TYPICAL DRUNK FRIEND
La Villa Strangiato!

Everyone laughs at his silly antics, then he passes out.

HUSBAND
Philosophers and plowmen, each must
know his part!

WIFE
(sexily)
To sew a new mentality, closer to
the heart.

They put their arms around each other and snuggle. The drunk
picks his head up.

GOOFY TYPICAL DRUNK FRIEND
Six minute bass solo.

He passes out again and everyone laughs.

SPOKESMAN
“Fragments from rush lyrics and
song titles” BBQ sauce: “if you
choose not to decide, you still
have made a choice!”

“Hulk Write Sketch!”

If you have been in a comedy writing class in the last ten years or so, you will probably appreciate this one.

– – – – – –

CLASSROOM

A WRITING TEACHER enters.

TEACHER
Good morning, class, and welcome to
sketch writing, level one. Let’s
get to know each other.

STUDENT #1
My name’s Travis, and I’m a
screenwriter, I just moved here
from Iowa.

STUDENT #2
I’m Jonathan, I’m an actor.

The third student is the HULK.

TEACHER
And how about you, the giant green
man with the ripped pants?

HULK
Me Hulk! Hulk write good sketch!
Audience laugh!

TEACHER
OK, Hulk, what’s your idea?

HULK
Hulk write sketch about
Superfriends! Always get big
laughs! Hulk sketch kill!

STUDENT #1
A Justice League sketch? Jesus,
that’s been done to death by every
sketch show in town!

STUDENT #2
Yeah, I’m sorry Hulk, but it is a
bit cliched.

Hulk is furious.

HULK
What?! You no call Hulk’s idea
cliched! HULK SMASH!

He stands up and knocks over some chairs.

TEACHER
Now now, Hulk, just settle down.
Maybe you need to work with a
writing partner to help refine your
ideas.

AQUAMAN enters and shakes Hulk’s hand.

AQUAMAN
Hey, I’ve got some great ideas.
What if I, Aquaman, got involved in
some kind of humorous situation
based on the idea that my
superpower, summoning and
controlling aquatic lifeforms, is
rather insignificant and silly
compared to the powers of, say,
Superman?

HULK
Hulk love! Hulk smell staff job on
“According to Jim!”

STUDENT #1
But that’s even more cliched than
your first idea!

STUDENT #2
As a true artist, I find this
degrading and a waste of my t-

Hulk smashes both students knocking them off the stage.

The teacher shakes his head.

TEACHER
I’m sorry, Hulk, Aquaman. I just
can’t have you smashing students in
my class. I’m going to have to fail
you bo-

A giant Squid tentacle reaches on stage and drags the teacher to his doom.

TEACHER
AGGHH! A GIANT SQUID!

Hulk and Aquaman shake hands at center stage.

BLACKOUT

“Tarantino Beer” (2003)

This was a class assignment to write a commerical parody. I was trying to move it beyond the standard  “making fun of something I saw on tv” into something a little more abstract.  There is footage of this being performed somewhere on a miniDV tape buried in my closet.

—————————————-

INT. BAR

Attractive young people are enjoying a night out.

RYAN and FRANK are gazing longingly at some hot girls (KIP and ELIZABETH) across the room. Everyone is holding boring, generic-looking beers.

RYAN
Man, they’re so hot! I wish we had
something to talk to them about!

Suddenly, everyone freezes and an announcer in a tux or similar (Robert) enters, perhaps accompanied by music.

ROBERT
Hey guys! Nothing to talk to the
ladies about? Then try one of
these!

He passes them bottles of exciting looking beer.

RYAN
“Quentin Tarantino Has No talent
Beer?”

ROBERT
That’s right! It’s the beer that
finally says what right-thinking
people everywhere have suspected
for years, but didn’t have the guts
to say!

The guys excitedly drink.

FRANK
I never got what people saw in that
crap!

RYAN
Hey you know what they call a Big
Mac in France? They call it,
“you’re a talentless, pompous
hack!”

They laugh hilariously and high-five.

ROBERT
And for the lady, there’s “Quentin
Tarantino Has No Talent Lite!”

The ladies (KIP and ELIZABETH) suddenly get QTHNT Lites in their hands and are now magically sexier, unbuttoning their shirts or something.

KIP
All the violence and racial slurs-
it always felt so forced to me
somehow!

ELIZABETH
Yeah, like a kid showing off for
his friends in the schoolyard- kind
of sad really.

The guys and the girls are partying together. The room is abuzz with chatter about how much Quentin sucks.

They all laugh hilariously and slap each on the back.

ROBERT
When you’re looking for a good
time, remember-

They all raise their beers and toast.

EVERYBODY
Quentin Tarantino has no talent!