A HIPSTER, the kind of guy who wears an askew trucker cap, stands centerstage, listening to headphones.
ADAM and TERESA enter.
ADAM
Hey, dude, what’re you listening
to?
HIPSTER
(dismissive)
You never heard of it.
(beat)
OK, fine. It’s this group called…
(very slowly)
The Beatles.
TERESA
The Beatles??
HIPSTER
I don’t know why I even bother.
You’re so mainstream, I’m sure this
kind of thing just goes right over
your head. Maybe in 20 years, when
the Beatles faces are all over
everything, when they’re selling
out and performing at the Super
Bowl, then you two will finally get
hip to them.
Adam and Teresa shake their heads. Hipster starts reading a book.
TERESA
What are you reading?
HIPSTER
Sigh! Something far beyond your
blinkered plastic-fantastic
everyday perspective. It’s called
“Hamlet” by a guy named William
Shakespeare?
ADAM
You think we’ve never heard of
Shakespeare?
HIPSTER
Of course you haven’t- he’s from
England.
I’m sure one day you’ll get into
him- who knows maybe in 100 years,
they’ll be teaching Shakespeare in
high school- then maybe he’ll be
safe enough for you.
TERESA
I love Shakespeare: “shall I
compare thee to a summer’s day..”
HIPSTER
Oh, so you know a little
Shakespeare- the mainstream stuff.
I’m into the stuff nobody knows-
like this play “Hamlet” is his most
obscure work. I’m digging on this
totally undiscovered passage most
people don’t even notice, it’s
called the “to be or not to be”
speech.
They give him a “you’re crazy” look.
HIPSTER
What you don’t know what a “speech”
is? That’s what us really cool
people say- I bet you guys probably
still call it a “soliloquy!” Man,
this is making me hungry.
He pulls out food and starts eating- they keep staring at him.
HIPSTER
You guys probably don’t even get
what I’m doing, it really hasn’t
caught on yet. It’s called “eating”
- you consume food through the
mouth and then, this is the coolest
part, the body converts it to
energy to help you stay alive!
Hipster finishes eating. He just stands there with arms crossed, staring out at the audience.
ADAM
Now what are you doing?
HIPSTER
Pa-shaw! It’s called… Existing!
Through an unknown interaction of
chemicals and electrical impulses,
you achieve an undefinable state
known as “consciousness” wherein
you have awareness of your self and
surroundings.
ADAM
But everybody exists!!
HIPSTER
Of course they do, now that I
started the trend!
He looks out at the audience.
HIPSTER
You’re all a bunch of sheep- out
there existing, just cause you saw
me doing it first!
A GHOSTLY HIPSTER, clad all in black, stands up out of the audience.
GHOSTLY HIPSTER
Dude, existence is so last month!
HIPSTER
Who are you?
GHOSTLY HIPSTER
Grimace! I’m no one, I’m not here,
I don’t even exist! Duh. Look at
that guy, he’s all like ” I think
therefore I am,” what a loser.
The hipster hides behind a chair.
HIPSTER
(fake ghostly voice)
Wooo! I Don’t exist either!
GHOSTLY HIPSTER
Yes you do, you’re just behind a
chair. I must depart now but-
(to Teresa)
Perhaps you’d care to accompany me
to my non-existent penthouse on the
non-existent end of the Wilshire
Corridor. I have a Compact Disc of
music that is truly hip.
It is a by a man known as…
(very dramatic)
Beethoven!
Teresa is enthralled and leaves with him.
ADAM
(to hipster)
This ending is so not cool.
The hipster is still hiding behind the chair, nods his agreement.
HIPSTER
Seriously.
Dedicated to the Murphman, wherever he may be.
Filed under: sketch comedy
